Again with the lonely. I feel like I keep calling people, and very few either a) call me back b) call me first or c) sound excited to be talking to me. Not to say a few don't, I DO have friends, I won't insult myself or others by saying I don't, but it's just one of those days where I feel like I don't have the kind of group of friends I did in high school. I've called Alexa numerous times and have never been called back and she's someone I desperately want to see and catch up with. I can't help but feel like she doesn't want to see me.

Enough about that, however. Things with Sam are...I don't know. I know I often make things difficult for him, I look for what's wrong and expect him to mess up. I say 'no' to things just to see if he'll repsect my decision, and I'm not the 'fun' girlfriend I used to be. And that's not good. So I've been trying to be better and I think it'll make a big difference in a lot of things. But other things, this just won't fix. It won't change the fact I have no desire to have sex right now in my life, much less with him. And after dating for close to two years, it's something a guy expects. Not that he's been pushing it, but I know he wants to, and I feel bad about witholding. BUT I also know that is not a good reason to have sex, so don't worry, my chastity belt is still in place.

It's frustrating not to feel passionate anymore. Part of me wonders if something physically is wrong with my sex drive (birth control, I know, can affect it) but the other part of me says I would feel passionate about someone else, were I to meet them/fall in love etc etc. We get along great (most of the time), we can have fun, he still brings me flowers every once and awhile, takes me out on dates, compliments me. But we just don't fit quite like we used to.

I don't know.

I feel alone today.

I'm going to go do yoga.

I needed to be heard again

I haven't had a blog for quite awhile and frankly, I've missed it. No one reads livejournal anymore, of if they do, it's the wrong people. Facebook is far too....open. This is for a few eyes only and for my sanity, above all. Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping again and the happiness I once had is clouded, like driving through the fog -- you know there are trees, other people, cities out there, but all you can see are glimpses of other people's headlights, subdued and not quite real.

I miss feeling connected to other people. Sam talks about his fraternity and how close they are and chapter meetings and all the gushy "I love you, man" kind of stuff and I just MISS that. I miss that from insomnia and camp and I miss the ability to be completely open about emotions with a group of people you know will just listen and hug you. There's something about sitting in a circle and talking in a group that's more therapeutic than anything I know, and I don't know how to find that group again. I can't go to camp this year, and the closer it gets, the more I miss it, even though I haven't even missed out on it yet.

I feel like Sam doesn't hear me like he used to. Then again, I don't hear him the same way either. There are days I can't stand his touch, and others we can't stop laughing and smiling around each other. There are days I want to be free again. To fall in love again. To kiss someone else. To be single at a party. There are days I am terrified to not be a part of his life, to not be able to call him when I need help, to not have a hug everyday, to never see his family again. "Sometimes has become my home." When will sometimes become always? Will it ever? When will the pain outwiegh the happiness? When will I, or he be able to let go?

I've been thinking about Nate again. It's not good, it's not okay, it's all too familiar, and I am retracing my steps back to 9th grade and uncertainty and wanting and waiting and not knowing where I stand. I found out last night he came to town in March and he didn't call me and it was like a knife through the heart. I was always the second person he called when he came into town. Virgil then me. Always. Did the last time I see him change things? Did he realize he no longer has feelings for me? has he not had feelings for me for years? am I no longer a good friend? and I no longer attractive to him? Is it because of Sam?

Should I even be asking these questions again?

I feel like I can never be at peace until I KNOW. I want, I need to know what it would have been like, what it could be like to be with him. Maybe it wouldn't ve everything I'd dreamed it be to these last 5 years but I feel like after all this, I deserve to know. But the timing is never right, and may never be right. I may have lost my chance. I just don't know how to move on.

I'd forgotten him. When Sam and I first start dating and I was in love. I thought I was done.


Tonight is a bad night. There are good ones. Promise.