Freedom Rings

Today I found out he asked Patti to "inform" him if I ever hooked up with anyone else, because "you want to know who your girlfriend is rebounding with." Thankfully Patti told him she wouldn't pick between him and I and she wouldn't betray her friendship with me by tattling on me to him. What would I do without her? He also told her he wanted to win me back. AND said he wanted to recruit the guy I DID make out with (he hasn't found out yet) on Monday, to his fraternity. One, I don't think Kelby's interested in fraternity life, and two, that would just be plain awkward. Not that we're dating, or anything, but I'm definitely interested in him.

I know I want to be single for awhile. I am LOVING it. I love having the freedom to randomly hook up, go on dates (yes that's right, I went out to lunch with a guy I'm not in a relationship with. WEIRD. I mean I know I go out to lunch with guys all the time, but that's just as friends, not because we're interested in each other). It's fun to date, without being a girlfriend right away.

I'd forgotten what it was like to just be able to concentrate on my friends all the time, and have fun going out and doing whatever I want, and not having to update someone with my schedule every day.

Can you turn my black roses red?

It's done. Over. Two years of my life. I'm crying, but not in desperation, as before. For the loss of something that used to mean so much to me, for the loss of love, passion, and wonderful aching of something powerful.

I do not doubt I will fall in love again. Or that he will. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone for the rest of my life. As a child of divorce, that question always lurks. Will I be able to stick by someone for forever? I hope so.

I also feel like someone new. Someone with so many possibilities suddenly open to her.

I promised I'd give him a few days alone. He said he did not love me anymore either, but was, as I had been, trying to fall back in love, to hold on to his best friend, to his love of the past two years. I hope he was telling the truth and not saying it to just make me feel better.

I've made too many guys cry, I do believe.

Strength

I fell in love. Probably more accurate is lust. But I don't care, I'm obsessed. Seriously. I met an Irish guy who grew up in Scotland, and has the most delicious accent. And my god, is he BEAUTIFUL.

And I sat next to him, on a tiny airplane for an hour from Seattle to Lewiston. After I'd been travelling for 34 hours and looked/smelled/felt like absolute grossness.

We talked the entire time, and yet I chickened out of asking him for his number. I did promise to show him around Moscow, and hang out with him, but that's a little hard to do if I can't FIND HIM.

He's going to LSCS for the next four years on a golf (I know, golf is lame, and boring, but hey, you know, whatever floats his boat) scholarship. He's 19, but its his first year of school.

Anyways, once the golf page at LSCS updates its roster, I can find out his last name and HOPE he has facebook or MySpace. If not....well...I guess I'm fucked. I told you, I'm obsessed.

Oh, and his name is James.


On to the other guy in my life, I need to end it. Completely. Do I have the willpower to do this? I don't think so. I'm not in love, I'm not in love, I'm not in love. But how do you tell someone that? After leading him on for the last month and a half, saying "we'll get back together, we will."

If I give myself a deadline to do it, I'll chicken out and then feel horrible about not doing it. I'll come up with excuses not to. I keep saying, MAYBE i'll feel diferently, MAYBE. Maybe ending it isn't right.

I'm a liar. I lie to myself.