I was taken out on a date tonight. With someone I would rather not have gone on a date with. I've known he liked me for about two months (he told me at a party, but I told him I didn't have feelings for him and we went on being good friends), and I kind of considered it when we were in Canada over break, usually while I was drinking :P but I was good and didn't do anything I would've regretted -- I don't even flirt; I'm very careful not to, even though I normally do with my guy friends that I'm comfortable around. Hopefully you know what I mean, there's the flirting you do with guys you like and the "flirting" you do with guys you're just friends with, which pretty much just means joking around with them, giving them hugs --> there isn't really a personal bubble that you don't cross into. Like today, I ran into my friend Paul, who I love and gave him a hug and bumped shoulders with him while we were joking around...those kinds of things. I just don't do that with Cody, because I don't want to give the wrong idea, and I've just never felt comfortable like that around him, though I do feel very comfortable talking to him.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Out of control
I don't even know what's wrong, but I am sobbing my eyes out.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Running out of time
So overwhelmed this week, so completely overwhelmed. Of course it's my doing. I looked at my school schedule and thought I had all this free time, so I made lots of plans with friends, and then turns out, don't have so much time.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Passion
I want to feel passionate towards someone again.
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
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