Out of control

I don't even know what's wrong, but I am sobbing my eyes out.

I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.

Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.

So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."

I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.

And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.