Torn

It's not really real yet, but last night I broke up with Sam. We had a wonderful day, hanging out, laughing. He went to work, and I went to dinner and a party with all of our friends who came in from out of town this weekend. He met me there later. We didn't talk much at the party, but we both had a lot of fun and I got drunk for the first time in awhile. And then we decided to walk home together. He asked if he could stay over, I said no, I wanted to be alone. Which of course he didnt understand so he started asknig questions, like why I wanted to be alone, why I felt like we were going to break up sometime, why I felt like I wasn't done dating yet, why I wasn't always happy with us. And I start crying and periodically we'd stop and hug and I'd cry and say I didn't want to hurt him, but this was the truth. I want to be single again sometime, I want to date other people, and I love him, but I'm not always happy, and maybe loving him isn't enough. We walk the whole way still holding hands and he's trying to comfort me. ME. when I'm telling him I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore.

So we make it home to my apartment and he asks to cvome up and talk and make sure I don't fall asleep crying. So we lay down on my bed, cuddling, talking, me crying. And the conversation keeps progressing until he says "Why do I feel like we're breaking up?"

I never said the words "I'm breaking up with you." But I did say I needed to be alone. I needed time to myself. I love him and I can't imagine hurting him but I'm not happy. I want him to be a part of my life, I want to still see him, talk to him, but I'm no thappy. And you know what he tells me through HIS tears? That I need to take care of myself and not worry about him.

But I can't help but worry about him. I'm his world, he told me. He said he couldn't imagine me being with anyone else. Right now, neither can I. I'm not breaking it off, or taking a break or whatever to date someone else, there's no one in mind. But eventually, yes, I do want to date SOMEONE else. who knows when. who knows WHO.

Finally, he gets up to leave, we hug and he walks out the door and I just curl up on my bed, sobbing so hard. Thankfully Ian walks in soon after Sam walks out and hugs me till I stop.

I still cant stop crying today, at leats not for very long. I can't imagine not seeing him today, not hugging him, hanging out. Talking. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn't happy in our relationship, but it's like, all I can remember i sthe good stuff, and it's not helping. I can't help but feel like I made the wrong decision, and yet everything I said last night was true. WHy does it feel so bad? Why do I still love him if I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore? I just dont want to feel so bad. I want to believe that maybe all I need is a break and I'll want to get back together, but I can't tell him that because if it's not true, it'd give him false hope. and I can't do that.

I haven't been single in so long. I don't feel like I am. I feel like we're in a fight and we'll make up later.

I'm headed up to my mom's house tonight, to hide away, and be taken care of. She made me feel so much better this morning when I talked to her, that I think spending the weekend up there will be the best thing. Otherwise I'll just sit around here crying. I'm going to make sure our friends take care of him tonight and look out for him. I promised I'd call him later today, a call I'm terrified of and looking forward to at the same time. I just hope I have the strnegth to not get back together. I'd be so easy to say " I was drunk, I didn't mean it, I want to be with you." But I think we'd be happy for awhile and then I'd go back to wanting out.

I just have to keep reminding myself I did the right thing, no matter how horrible it feels. I couldn't keep pretending, I need to be independent, I need space, I need to find out who I am without him, and hopefully, one day, when the hurt isn't so bad, we'll be able to hang out and I'll have my best friend back. Hopefully.