I want to feel passionate towards someone again.
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
1 comment:
I've always been glad you waited.
I used to wish I did, seeing as how David was my first, but to be honest, I really wouldn't be the same towards or value sex the same as I do now, and that would most definitely affect my relationship with Matt. I'm his third, he's my eighth. You'd think that number would make me a little desensitized to sex, but it's taught me what I deserve, how much I need, what isn't worth my time, etc -- plus, having dipped into (and swam out of) both the hooking up culture and the swingers culture, I've learned that while the fling/racier side of sex is very, very exciting, it just... does not fulfill. It left me emptier.
Luckily, I met Matt four days after I "kicked the habit", started dating him five days after.
...of course, we had sex a little sooner than I wanted, but, to be honest, it felt right, and I wouldn't change it.
Anyway.
there's my sex schpeal. ;)
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