Mistakes

So I'm finally done with the semester, which is amazing. I have so much free time, and I don't know what to do with myself!! I could be productive, and clean out my closet, or do laundry or a million other little things, but for now, I'm going to put them off.

Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.

But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.

A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.

I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"

Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.

He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.

I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.

Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.