Czesc!

So I'm learning Polish....and I LOVE it. I took a little Spanish and junior high, and had fun, but I never really got into it and had a passion for it. Maybe I'm loving polish so much because I know I'm going to use it, and I have a goal of being able to carry on at least some amont of conversation in polish when I get there next summer. I also love the girl who is teaching me, Kate. She's doing it for free, and even though she's a phD student with a very busy schedule, she puts a lot of though and work into our lessons. She's SO much fun too and we plan on being on Poland at the same time next summer, so then she can come visit me in Krakow (she lives a few hours north in Lublin).

It's a hard language though, and my mouth has difficulty wrapping itself around 3-4 consonants as a time. One phrase I love: Mam kota. It means one of two things: I have a cat, OR I am a shrink/psychologist. I find that hilarious. Another is Pa pa, or bye bye! One of the hardest that I am still trying to learn how to pronouce: Wszystko w porzadku, or Everything's fine.

Anyways, that's all for now. Na razie! Buziaki!(Bye! Kisses!)

Apart

I feel like I left a part of me back in Lagos this summer, and with no way to go back there, like I'll never get it back.

Sometimes I think Poland next summer, as much as I'm looking forward to it, and think I will love it, is also just a way to try and find that part of me.

Sometimes I feel just a little broken in two.

Not yet

I knew this year would be hard, being one of the select few not yet 21. Other than Darin, Ian and Shannon, all of my friends are 21. Which means I sit at home while they are at the bars. But I never knew how much it would suck until I actually experienced it. It's not that I need to drink all the time, or that I think the bars are "soooo cool" but it's really lonely to be at home at 10pm, the friday before school starts, with no one to hang out with.

Yep it's going to be a long 8 months.

Unemployed

I have no job right now. It's such a weird feeling, not to have something to do, somewhere to be. Of course that will all change with the beginning of school in a week. But I just....sit around a lot. Either my friends aren't in town, or the ones that are, I'm not really close enough to to bum around town with. We're the kind of friends who only hang out in groups, or organized events, you know? Scott, one of my good friends who is here, I see a bit, but I'm starting to think he might like me, even though he's definitely still getting over his last girlfriend. I just...don't want to see another friendship ruined because of it. Granted, I've stayed close with many guys who have liked me, ie, Adam, Ian, Luke. Tyler used to be on that list, but he stopped talking to me about a month ago. But Cody and I stopped hanging out/talking as much when he realized I really didn't like him that way/I started seeing Sam again. I guess I'll just act like I don't notice anything with Scott, and hope that we just stay good friends.

Anyways, back to the job deal, I'll be starting a new job (still childcare) in September sometime, but I'm just not sure when yet. My old daycare is closing, and so I (and Cate) will be helping out one of the families that went there by watching their one-year old son all day, and possibly their 3-yr old when he's done with preschool for the day. We haven't worked out quite all the details, but I'm excited. Until I'm "employed" (aka professional babysitter) I'm low on money and I hate asking my parents to spot me. I know they will, and I know they won't mind, but I like to be as self-sufficient as I can. I like earning money myself, having a job, taking care of myself. But it's hard sometimes, to balance it all with going to school full-time, especially because school does come first. But, luckily, it comes first with my parents too.

My Dad and stepfamily leave Idaho in a week, and I've got to say, it's been amazing having them here this last month. Partly because it's free food, and something to fill my time, but mostly because I"m not used to having family nearby. The couple who is living in their house in Deary when they aren't there is amazing as well. They rescue horses and have at least 10 out there right now, so I've been able to go horseback riding regularly, and they've told me I'm welcome anytime, even when my parents aren't here, even when they themselves aren't home, which is a huge compliment. Dock, a cop in Lewiston, keeps telling me I'm his new little sister and to think of him as family. His fiance is fun and sweet as well. We all have a lot in common, so even though they are 18-20 years older than me, I feel comfortable with them. I think instead of taking yoga classes, at least while the weather is still good, I'll spend money on driving out to Deary to go riding as much as possible. I can't believe I wasn't even around horses for 3 whole years. I had repressed jsut how much I LOVE it.

Hm. That's all for now. Till later.....

The Rise and Fall of Summer 2008

This summer has been full of change, life-changing experiences and opportunities and endings and beginnings. I've hardly been in Moscow, and I hardly ever am in the summer, but even more so this summer than ever before. My 6 weeks away in Lagos changed me irrevocably. I am always missing that place and those people, and even if I were to go back, someday, somehow, it will never be the same as it was. It's like I left right when I was starting to build a home there. I was building friendships and settling in to my job, and then I just had to leave. If it hadn't have been for moving out of my apartment back in Moscow, I would have stayed until the middle of July. I wish I had spent more time there these last 2 years and I plan to make up for that when my parents move to Poland. I plan to take ever more advantage of the opportunites presented to me by their profession. No more 2-3 week trips because that's all I think I can fit in - I really want to KNOW Krakow, be immersed in it. I want to learn Russian, at least a little, before next summer. I could learn Polish, but I can get by there with Russian and it'll be more useful to me, because it is more widely used. I want to spend at least 6 weeks there next summer, if not more. I want to work at the consulate again.

I started reading stories of Peace Corps volunteers today and it made me want to try and do that someday. The only thing I worry about is being sent to somewhere really remote and having my body/health fail me, as it often seems to do. Maybe I'll marry someone who would join with me - that, to me, seems like it would be even more incredible, to be able to share that with your spouse.

I also spent in week in Boston with my aunt and my mom. That was amazing because I don't really have a sense of a close extended family like some people, and my aunt (who's only 3 years older than me) has always been the one I'm closest to, but in the past few years, we've hardly had any chances to really see each other and find out who we are - now that we are not longer childhood playmates. But we spent a week together, our own hotel room, hooking uo with my mom for part of the day, but mostly just exploring by ourselves. I hope I get to do something like taht with her every year.

And then I'm still learning about my relationships. With Sam, with friends. WHo I want to be, and who I want to be with nd around - those concepts are forever evolving. I no longer believe Sam is who I'll be with forever. But I also do not see an end for us anytime soon. We are happy, he's a part of me, he's family and until there is some strong reason that I should not be with him , like serious problems with our relationship, or someone else that I fall for, I don't see any reason to not continue being happy with him. But I just know I am not passionate enough about him to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to say "yes yes a thousand times yes" to the person who proposes to me, not "yeah, sure, okay." I just hope I do not have to end up breaking his heart again. That when the end to us comes, we both see the need for it. I hope.

And then there's my job. My job which I LOVE, which has fit me perfectly and made me so thankful. Chances are, 95% sure, that the daycare will no longer exist by the end of summer, due to changes within the family. I have a couple of ideas for jobs next year, none as good as the one I have now, but ones that I will be happy with. Hopefully the one I want most will pan out, which would be taking care of the 1 year old at the daycare right now, at his home, and doing some housework as well for the family. But I have to present my idea to the parents first, and see if that's even close to something they want. Otherwise, I'll start applying to other daycares in town.

3 more weeks of summer. Who knows what will happen.

It's been a long while

So I went to Africa for 5 weeks. Changed me indescribably. Now I don't know what I want with Sam at all. I miss the place, the people, everything there. I didn't want to come home. I've only been home for about a week and it's just so....different. I miss my friends, but most everyone is out of town. I don't feel the same about Sam as wehn I left. I left in love and now....I don't know. I don't know what it is about that place, but the last time I went, I came back and broke up with him. I didn't even miss him while I was gone.

I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but now I"m not okay with that. I dont' feel passionate about him, and I'mnot okay giving up passion at 20. I'm sure after awhile I'll probably fall back to close to how it used to be, but I don't know....I know it could be so much more than it is, on my part. On his part, I am his world, his life, and his love. Which makes my decision that much harder. I'm trying nto to rush it, trying to just sit tight and see how it goes. Trying not to do anything rash. Trying.

This is quite the contrast with the last few posts of mine. But that's me, always changing.

Growing up

I saw Nate today, had lunch with him, had a wonderful time, clicked like we always did....

And I had no feelings for him.
No desire to kiss him.
No physical attraction.
No wonderings of what may have been if I were only 6 years older, or if we'd had better timing.

For those of you who have been around for the complete Nate saga, from eighth grade until....last semester, you can appreciate how utterly amazing this is.

It feels good.