Not yet

I knew this year would be hard, being one of the select few not yet 21. Other than Darin, Ian and Shannon, all of my friends are 21. Which means I sit at home while they are at the bars. But I never knew how much it would suck until I actually experienced it. It's not that I need to drink all the time, or that I think the bars are "soooo cool" but it's really lonely to be at home at 10pm, the friday before school starts, with no one to hang out with.

Yep it's going to be a long 8 months.

Friends, drinking and kissing

I don't know if I should feel stupid about last night or not. I think I'll have to wait and see what happens (or doesn't happen) in the future.

All in all, it was an amazing New Years. I not only got to party with my college friends, but with some of my best high school friends, at the same party. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I hope everyone else did as well.

The night went really well, for me. I drank a lot, but not too much, I had fun, I danced, I was talking to Kelby as a friend, and it wasn't awkward, and it was the first time we'd hung out since the weekend before Halloween. The first thing he said to me is that he loved my hair. I swear his jaw dropped a little. It helped that I had had my hair done that morning, colored and cut.

Things between Cody and I seemed normal again too. I'm not sure if he still likes me, but we had a lot of fun, regardless, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around him. Hopefully things are still good between us today. I'm not sure how drunk he was, if he saw me and Kelby(getting to that part...) AND last I saw him he was hooking up hardcore with Jade, someone who is (technically) my friend I brought over, though I haven't talked to her for about a year and had no idea she was coming with George. It was good to see her, but it'll be interesting to see what happens between them.

So, Kelby. Kelby, Kelby, Kelby. I was over him, for the most part. Didn't check his facebook, didn't think about him much, though I admit, I was excited when I heard he was coming last night. He, apparently, had no idea I would be there and he told me it took him completely off guard. Obviously. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and we started dancing, and then we kissed. And IMMEDIATELY, I told him I would not and could not go through what we did before, I'm fine with having fun tonight, but in morning I would need to know what was going on. I was a relationship girl, and as much as I would love to hook up sometimes, no strings attached, it's just not how I'm wired. Which he said was a good thing.... And I told him I understand he's busy and doesn't want to date, so it's fine, but to just tell me. And you know what he said? "I could make time, for you." Among other things along those lines, like "Would you mind if I have to go back to Cottonwood (home for him) every other weekend to work?" He told me I'm busy too, and he told me how much he admires my grades and that I work and other amazing compliments.

We talked a lot, between kisses. About the Funk party, and the weekend he made me cry, and the first time we hooked up, and how much we'd missed each other. About how I was a virgin, and he wasn't, but that's not what he wanted. He definitely made it sound like he wanted a relationship. He was drunk, I was drunk, but like I've said, drunk Kelby is honest and not shy, which he admitted as well.

Then we made it back to my apartment. He stayed the night, and was completely affectionate all night, all morning, and it was....heaven. I couldnt sleep at all, I was thinking SO much. Every time I moved in bed, he moved with me, like he couldn't stand to not have his arms around me, even in his sleep.

Then he drove me back to my car. And it was weird, all of a sudden, saying goodbye. He drove back home today, to go back to work, and will be back for school in a week. He said he'd see/talk to me then, and kissed me, nicely, but nothing big, meaningful, or anything. I think I want to give him that week to think about things, and then it's ultimatum time. I will not go through this again, the not knowing, and the drunken confusion. I don't regret last night, and if that's all it is, then I think I'm okay with that. I just need to know, straight up, soon, if it's going anywhere. If not, I'll move on again.

:)

Finally, a good weekend. I kept saying "the next one will be good, the next one." Well finally it happened. In fact, no one had drama, everyone had a good time, no alcohol poisoning, no cops busting up the party, nothing. The party was packed, and so much fun. I drank a lot, but I remember everything, didn't get sick, had a hangover for a couple hours this morning, but feel fine now.

James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.

I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.

I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.

So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.

Let me start off by saying, last night was amazing, horrible, enlightening, fun, riduculous and embarressing, all at the same time.

Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.

Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop

Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it

Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.

I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.

I'm up to my ankles and drowning anyways.

Last night was just a little too much to handle. Starts off at Katy and Rachel and Patti and Sami's house, and Sam shows up and we start drinking a little. And it's just weird bewteen him and I. Usually we do pretty good, but there were some awkward moments and I just didn't want to deal with it. Then we head over to our friend's house on King st to party it up and Kelby shows up. mmm yay, both Sam and Kelby in one place. but Kelby doesn't show any interest all night, VERY platonic, didn't say goodbye, no hug. So I'm feeling pretty down and pissy and I'm PMSing and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get really drunk, even though I want to. Then my friend Cody, who I LOVE, and had thought maybe he liked me, but I have no feelings whatsoever for him, led me into his room, and said "I like you." I was speechless. I'm not really sure exactly what I stammered out, something along the lines of I don't know you extremely well, I LOVE hanging out with you, but I don't like you. Gave him a hug, and tried to pretend it didn't happen the rest of the night, so he didn't feel weird. Then we head back to Patti's house to sleep, and Kelby shows up and stays the night there too. Again, doesn't talk to me much, sleeps on the other couch, and I remember him getting up and going home about 4 am, and he said goodnight to me.

Half of me wants to call him and tell him I need to talk to him and just ASK what happened and why he lost interest, just so I know and don't feel so lost, so used and I can move on. Half of me is terrified of being vulnerable like that in front of him and I want him to think I'm just fine and don't care at all he just forgot about me.

I'm not cut out for this.

Working

So. Here I go again into my drama.

Friday night: drunk, said a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to say and needed to say, but ended up breaking up with Sam

Saturday morning: Hungover-ish and crying, feeling horrible about hurting him

Saturday afternoon/evening: Missing Sam like crazy, feeling I made a mistake, maybe breaking up isn't what I wanted to do, and yet all the things I said were/are still true

Sunday: I realize I can compromise. I was NOT ready to break up completely, otherwise, I would have done so when sober. However, there are problems that need to be worked on and I do need some time to myself. Still would like to date other people in my life before getting married, but there's no one but Sam right now. Still love him, and being apart and working on things, while still being friends and talking will hopefully strengthen us as individuals and our relationship. When/if it is right, we will move back into a romantic relationship. Till then, as he put it, we'll be "exclusive friends." Not seeing anyone else, not dating, but working on being friends and who we are, seperate and together.

This sounds RIGHT. Breaking up did not. Staying together did not.

Sometimes you have to let something go to appreciate how much it really is worth. I'm not saying this will fix everything, but it's a start. It's DOING something about the problems, not ignoring them, not pushing them away. I think I need to work on feeling more confident when it comes to being intimate. I need to work on letting him in, instead of pushing him away. And he needs to work on letting me be independent, and my own person, not someone he can be attached at the hip to.