Rant

I'm grumpy and I need somewhere to complain. So here goes

I hate not having a car, especially when the weather sucks so much. Otherwise I would walk more, and I wouldn't feel so helpless and homebound. I hate asking people for rides. I hate that I'm too scared/proud to take the bus. Sam was driving me everywhere, but he left yesterday for Cali and won't be back till Monday. I hate feeling helpless and I hate depending on him so much even more. Especially since we just got back together. I feel like I'm using him, and I don't deserve to. I try apoligizing to him about needing so many rides and he acts almost offended that I am. I hate that my car hasn't even been looked at, so I don't know if I need to start looking for a new car, or if its fixable. I hate insurance agencies and red tape and the guy I hit who was fine, but for some reason went to the doctor this week, and now our insurance has to check out what was wrong. But of course, they can't tell us anything. I hate not having enough time or energy to do all the things I want to, I hate quitting, and feeling people's disappointment. I told my professor I TA for I wouldn't be able to do it next year, for her, or for another professor, and she just said "we'll talk about it later." But if I want to graduate on time, take on an officer position in Psi Chi, start doing Moscow Mentors, take 18 credits, and work part time, I just can't, no matter how much I want to. I hate awkward phone conversations and long pauses and just not clicking. I hate being sick and not being able to breathe right or talk normally or eat without without feeling nauseus and coughing every few seconds. I hate that he hasn't told his parents about me yet. I hate the thought of them not liking me anymore. I hate the girl he was dating before me, and I hate that I dislike her so much, because she did nothing wrong, and I hate being jealous and possessive (though I think he kind of likes it) because I just feel physically sick to my stomach when I see her or hear about her. And it seems like she's everywhere. I hate that it took her for me to realize I had feelings for him. I hate that I already said "I love you." but then again aren't the best "I love you"s the ones the come out without even having to think about it? I hate feeling guilty for breaking up with him in the first place, because it was the best thing I could have done for me and we are so much better together now. I hate being scared of sex. I want it, then I'm afraid to want it. I don't want to know if he had sex with someone after we broke up, and yet I'm afraid to not know. I hate that my cat spilled aromatherapy oil all over my expensive dresser and stripped the varnish off, I hate that my cockroach for my Insects and Human Health class died -- how hard is it to keep a cockroach alive, really? And most of all, I hate how much hate I'm feeling today.