A New Beginning

Sam and I are giving it a try again.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm all the emotions you can think of rolled up into one.

I hadn't told many people I had started thinking about him again, mostly because it was hard to admit to myself. And it only started a couple of weeks ago, and REALLY started last week when I heard he was dating someone else and it hit me HARD. I never thought that it would. I missed one of my best friends. I missed someone who had become family. But I couldn't decide if these feelings went beyond friendship. Of course, I thought I had as long as I needed to figure it out.

Then I saw him at a party last night. It was a "classy" themed party so I was dressed to the nines, which was a blast. Anyways, I had been wanting to get coffee with Sam for awhile but he'd always reply with "I'm busy, what do you want to talk about." Like I couldnt' just want to see him, for that reason alone. So I said hi to him last night, and was like, so when can we get coffee? He replies, looking me directly in the eye and says "Why?" I'm puzzled, because I think it's obvious -- to catch up, and tell him so. He asks again, "Why?" And then with "You cut me out of your life." I'm flabbergasted and tell him I didn't cut him out of my life, I still want to be friends. And he says, "Tough luck." with this hard edge to his voice. And I start welling up with tears, because I've never heard him be so mean. So I go downstairs and he follows. I tell him I miss him, but I don't know if it's as friends, or more, but I can't live with myself if I hurt him again. He says he still loves me and would take me back and that he was the best person he ever was with me. And then he kisses me.

Which is when I tell him we can't talk about this tonight, when he's been drinking, and I've started drinking and I want to have fun tonight. I asked him how drunk he was, and he told me he wasn't, and then I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he said it wasn't anything serious.
We went back upstairs and he left soon after, making me promise to call him in the morning. I went on to have an absolutely wonderful night with my friends, which was what I needed.

So today I'm overwhelmed with the prospect of having to make a decision. Do I want to be with Sam? Is it worth trying? Am I ready to be back in a serious reltionship? AM I done with flirting and playing the field? Are my feelings strong enough?Am I physically attracted to him again?

Finally I call him and it turns out he remembers NOTHING from the night before, and I have to tell him. Then he comes over to talk. And I go through everything I'm thinking. I'm thinking I have feelings for him, but I feel like I can't get involved with him unless I'm in it for the long haul, but there's no way of knowing if I am. I feel like I can't stand hurting him again, but if we were to start dating, I'm not positive I wouldn't hurt him. I tell him I'm not really ready to be back in a serious reltionship. And what he says in response changed my mind completely.

He says it's okay if it doesn't work out this time. It's okay if I end up breaking up with him again, because at least he wouldn't spend the rest of his life wondering "what if?" He says it's all worth it, just to see if we could work. He says we don't have to be in serious reltionship, and we can take it easy. He says he won't blame me of leading him on if I change my mind.

And that, right there, I couldn't say no to. Because I don't want to wonder "what if?" either. Because he took a weight off my shoulders and I no longer am responsible if this fails. Because at least I tried. Because I desperately want my best friend back. Because I loved kissing him. Because I can imagine having sex with him. Because being with him is so easy, and I don't mean convenient, but I don't have to work at it. He already knows me, inside and out. And yet, it's exciting because we've both changed and theres new sides to each of us to get to know.

I am scared how this is going to affect my friendships. And I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. Our friends have become MY friends, and I'm hoping the two can mesh together again. I'm scared that some of his frat brothers hate me, because all they know me as is the girl who broke his heart. I know some of them still like me, because they were very friendly last night at the party, so that's good.

And I'm scared I'm making a mistake and I just don't know it yet. But all I can do is take it a day at time and listen to what my heart tells me. It may not work out. But, yet again, it may be the most amazing decision I've ever made.

I jumped. It's not something I do often. I'm not impulsive, spontaneous. But I felt I just had to jump. Take a leap of faith. Because I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd passed up on a great second chance.