It is amazing how fast Kayleigh and I fell back into our friendship. I guess that's what happens when you were friends for 11 years, despite the fact we took 3 and a half years off. The first half hour was a little awkward, but after that, it was easy. I guess I should have known it would be, because we did a similar thing in 7th grade. We didn't talk for a year, and then, all of a sudden we were at Ren fair, hanging out for the first time, and it was like nothing ever happened.
We even went to Walmart together like we used to all the time in 9th and 10th grade. We already have plans for later on this week and it's just nice to be around someone who knows my history back to when I was 5 years old. Granted we have some catching up to do about the last two years of high school and our first year of college, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited to get to know her all over again.
It's just....so nice to have her back.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Mistakes
So I'm finally done with the semester, which is amazing. I have so much free time, and I don't know what to do with myself!! I could be productive, and clean out my closet, or do laundry or a million other little things, but for now, I'm going to put them off.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Dating catastrophe!
I was taken out on a date tonight. With someone I would rather not have gone on a date with. I've known he liked me for about two months (he told me at a party, but I told him I didn't have feelings for him and we went on being good friends), and I kind of considered it when we were in Canada over break, usually while I was drinking :P but I was good and didn't do anything I would've regretted -- I don't even flirt; I'm very careful not to, even though I normally do with my guy friends that I'm comfortable around. Hopefully you know what I mean, there's the flirting you do with guys you like and the "flirting" you do with guys you're just friends with, which pretty much just means joking around with them, giving them hugs --> there isn't really a personal bubble that you don't cross into. Like today, I ran into my friend Paul, who I love and gave him a hug and bumped shoulders with him while we were joking around...those kinds of things. I just don't do that with Cody, because I don't want to give the wrong idea, and I've just never felt comfortable like that around him, though I do feel very comfortable talking to him.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Out of control
I don't even know what's wrong, but I am sobbing my eyes out.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Running out of time
So overwhelmed this week, so completely overwhelmed. Of course it's my doing. I looked at my school schedule and thought I had all this free time, so I made lots of plans with friends, and then turns out, don't have so much time.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Passion
I want to feel passionate towards someone again.
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
Sunday, October 28, 2007
:)
Finally, a good weekend. I kept saying "the next one will be good, the next one." Well finally it happened. In fact, no one had drama, everyone had a good time, no alcohol poisoning, no cops busting up the party, nothing. The party was packed, and so much fun. I drank a lot, but I remember everything, didn't get sick, had a hangover for a couple hours this morning, but feel fine now.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
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