The Rise and Fall of Summer 2008

This summer has been full of change, life-changing experiences and opportunities and endings and beginnings. I've hardly been in Moscow, and I hardly ever am in the summer, but even more so this summer than ever before. My 6 weeks away in Lagos changed me irrevocably. I am always missing that place and those people, and even if I were to go back, someday, somehow, it will never be the same as it was. It's like I left right when I was starting to build a home there. I was building friendships and settling in to my job, and then I just had to leave. If it hadn't have been for moving out of my apartment back in Moscow, I would have stayed until the middle of July. I wish I had spent more time there these last 2 years and I plan to make up for that when my parents move to Poland. I plan to take ever more advantage of the opportunites presented to me by their profession. No more 2-3 week trips because that's all I think I can fit in - I really want to KNOW Krakow, be immersed in it. I want to learn Russian, at least a little, before next summer. I could learn Polish, but I can get by there with Russian and it'll be more useful to me, because it is more widely used. I want to spend at least 6 weeks there next summer, if not more. I want to work at the consulate again.

I started reading stories of Peace Corps volunteers today and it made me want to try and do that someday. The only thing I worry about is being sent to somewhere really remote and having my body/health fail me, as it often seems to do. Maybe I'll marry someone who would join with me - that, to me, seems like it would be even more incredible, to be able to share that with your spouse.

I also spent in week in Boston with my aunt and my mom. That was amazing because I don't really have a sense of a close extended family like some people, and my aunt (who's only 3 years older than me) has always been the one I'm closest to, but in the past few years, we've hardly had any chances to really see each other and find out who we are - now that we are not longer childhood playmates. But we spent a week together, our own hotel room, hooking uo with my mom for part of the day, but mostly just exploring by ourselves. I hope I get to do something like taht with her every year.

And then I'm still learning about my relationships. With Sam, with friends. WHo I want to be, and who I want to be with nd around - those concepts are forever evolving. I no longer believe Sam is who I'll be with forever. But I also do not see an end for us anytime soon. We are happy, he's a part of me, he's family and until there is some strong reason that I should not be with him , like serious problems with our relationship, or someone else that I fall for, I don't see any reason to not continue being happy with him. But I just know I am not passionate enough about him to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to say "yes yes a thousand times yes" to the person who proposes to me, not "yeah, sure, okay." I just hope I do not have to end up breaking his heart again. That when the end to us comes, we both see the need for it. I hope.

And then there's my job. My job which I LOVE, which has fit me perfectly and made me so thankful. Chances are, 95% sure, that the daycare will no longer exist by the end of summer, due to changes within the family. I have a couple of ideas for jobs next year, none as good as the one I have now, but ones that I will be happy with. Hopefully the one I want most will pan out, which would be taking care of the 1 year old at the daycare right now, at his home, and doing some housework as well for the family. But I have to present my idea to the parents first, and see if that's even close to something they want. Otherwise, I'll start applying to other daycares in town.

3 more weeks of summer. Who knows what will happen.

It's been a long while

So I went to Africa for 5 weeks. Changed me indescribably. Now I don't know what I want with Sam at all. I miss the place, the people, everything there. I didn't want to come home. I've only been home for about a week and it's just so....different. I miss my friends, but most everyone is out of town. I don't feel the same about Sam as wehn I left. I left in love and now....I don't know. I don't know what it is about that place, but the last time I went, I came back and broke up with him. I didn't even miss him while I was gone.

I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but now I"m not okay with that. I dont' feel passionate about him, and I'mnot okay giving up passion at 20. I'm sure after awhile I'll probably fall back to close to how it used to be, but I don't know....I know it could be so much more than it is, on my part. On his part, I am his world, his life, and his love. Which makes my decision that much harder. I'm trying nto to rush it, trying to just sit tight and see how it goes. Trying not to do anything rash. Trying.

This is quite the contrast with the last few posts of mine. But that's me, always changing.

Growing up

I saw Nate today, had lunch with him, had a wonderful time, clicked like we always did....

And I had no feelings for him.
No desire to kiss him.
No physical attraction.
No wonderings of what may have been if I were only 6 years older, or if we'd had better timing.

For those of you who have been around for the complete Nate saga, from eighth grade until....last semester, you can appreciate how utterly amazing this is.

It feels good.

Commitment

Two weeks after Sam and I started dating again, I was sitting at home, on a Saturday night, watching Waitress. Sam was out of town and I had no car, so it was just a night for me. By the way, I love that movie. It made me very hungry for pie. But for some reason, I had this epiphany as well while watching it. This overwhelming feeling that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sam. I KNEW somehow, that I wanted to marry him, have kids with him, and that I was okay, like I never was before we broke up last semester, with being done with dating. I was okay with never kissing another man, never having sex with anyone but him, never being involved with anyone but him. And yes, I did lose my virginity, a week later.

I still feel that way, though I try not to think about it much, or plan or daydream, just because we are young and we have plenty of time to do so. I'm in no rush; I just feel like I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's a little scary sometimes, to know, but comforting as well.

Just something I wanted to share.

Rant

I'm grumpy and I need somewhere to complain. So here goes

I hate not having a car, especially when the weather sucks so much. Otherwise I would walk more, and I wouldn't feel so helpless and homebound. I hate asking people for rides. I hate that I'm too scared/proud to take the bus. Sam was driving me everywhere, but he left yesterday for Cali and won't be back till Monday. I hate feeling helpless and I hate depending on him so much even more. Especially since we just got back together. I feel like I'm using him, and I don't deserve to. I try apoligizing to him about needing so many rides and he acts almost offended that I am. I hate that my car hasn't even been looked at, so I don't know if I need to start looking for a new car, or if its fixable. I hate insurance agencies and red tape and the guy I hit who was fine, but for some reason went to the doctor this week, and now our insurance has to check out what was wrong. But of course, they can't tell us anything. I hate not having enough time or energy to do all the things I want to, I hate quitting, and feeling people's disappointment. I told my professor I TA for I wouldn't be able to do it next year, for her, or for another professor, and she just said "we'll talk about it later." But if I want to graduate on time, take on an officer position in Psi Chi, start doing Moscow Mentors, take 18 credits, and work part time, I just can't, no matter how much I want to. I hate awkward phone conversations and long pauses and just not clicking. I hate being sick and not being able to breathe right or talk normally or eat without without feeling nauseus and coughing every few seconds. I hate that he hasn't told his parents about me yet. I hate the thought of them not liking me anymore. I hate the girl he was dating before me, and I hate that I dislike her so much, because she did nothing wrong, and I hate being jealous and possessive (though I think he kind of likes it) because I just feel physically sick to my stomach when I see her or hear about her. And it seems like she's everywhere. I hate that it took her for me to realize I had feelings for him. I hate that I already said "I love you." but then again aren't the best "I love you"s the ones the come out without even having to think about it? I hate feeling guilty for breaking up with him in the first place, because it was the best thing I could have done for me and we are so much better together now. I hate being scared of sex. I want it, then I'm afraid to want it. I don't want to know if he had sex with someone after we broke up, and yet I'm afraid to not know. I hate that my cat spilled aromatherapy oil all over my expensive dresser and stripped the varnish off, I hate that my cockroach for my Insects and Human Health class died -- how hard is it to keep a cockroach alive, really? And most of all, I hate how much hate I'm feeling today.

A New Beginning

Sam and I are giving it a try again.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm all the emotions you can think of rolled up into one.

I hadn't told many people I had started thinking about him again, mostly because it was hard to admit to myself. And it only started a couple of weeks ago, and REALLY started last week when I heard he was dating someone else and it hit me HARD. I never thought that it would. I missed one of my best friends. I missed someone who had become family. But I couldn't decide if these feelings went beyond friendship. Of course, I thought I had as long as I needed to figure it out.

Then I saw him at a party last night. It was a "classy" themed party so I was dressed to the nines, which was a blast. Anyways, I had been wanting to get coffee with Sam for awhile but he'd always reply with "I'm busy, what do you want to talk about." Like I couldnt' just want to see him, for that reason alone. So I said hi to him last night, and was like, so when can we get coffee? He replies, looking me directly in the eye and says "Why?" I'm puzzled, because I think it's obvious -- to catch up, and tell him so. He asks again, "Why?" And then with "You cut me out of your life." I'm flabbergasted and tell him I didn't cut him out of my life, I still want to be friends. And he says, "Tough luck." with this hard edge to his voice. And I start welling up with tears, because I've never heard him be so mean. So I go downstairs and he follows. I tell him I miss him, but I don't know if it's as friends, or more, but I can't live with myself if I hurt him again. He says he still loves me and would take me back and that he was the best person he ever was with me. And then he kisses me.

Which is when I tell him we can't talk about this tonight, when he's been drinking, and I've started drinking and I want to have fun tonight. I asked him how drunk he was, and he told me he wasn't, and then I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he said it wasn't anything serious.
We went back upstairs and he left soon after, making me promise to call him in the morning. I went on to have an absolutely wonderful night with my friends, which was what I needed.

So today I'm overwhelmed with the prospect of having to make a decision. Do I want to be with Sam? Is it worth trying? Am I ready to be back in a serious reltionship? AM I done with flirting and playing the field? Are my feelings strong enough?Am I physically attracted to him again?

Finally I call him and it turns out he remembers NOTHING from the night before, and I have to tell him. Then he comes over to talk. And I go through everything I'm thinking. I'm thinking I have feelings for him, but I feel like I can't get involved with him unless I'm in it for the long haul, but there's no way of knowing if I am. I feel like I can't stand hurting him again, but if we were to start dating, I'm not positive I wouldn't hurt him. I tell him I'm not really ready to be back in a serious reltionship. And what he says in response changed my mind completely.

He says it's okay if it doesn't work out this time. It's okay if I end up breaking up with him again, because at least he wouldn't spend the rest of his life wondering "what if?" He says it's all worth it, just to see if we could work. He says we don't have to be in serious reltionship, and we can take it easy. He says he won't blame me of leading him on if I change my mind.

And that, right there, I couldn't say no to. Because I don't want to wonder "what if?" either. Because he took a weight off my shoulders and I no longer am responsible if this fails. Because at least I tried. Because I desperately want my best friend back. Because I loved kissing him. Because I can imagine having sex with him. Because being with him is so easy, and I don't mean convenient, but I don't have to work at it. He already knows me, inside and out. And yet, it's exciting because we've both changed and theres new sides to each of us to get to know.

I am scared how this is going to affect my friendships. And I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. Our friends have become MY friends, and I'm hoping the two can mesh together again. I'm scared that some of his frat brothers hate me, because all they know me as is the girl who broke his heart. I know some of them still like me, because they were very friendly last night at the party, so that's good.

And I'm scared I'm making a mistake and I just don't know it yet. But all I can do is take it a day at time and listen to what my heart tells me. It may not work out. But, yet again, it may be the most amazing decision I've ever made.

I jumped. It's not something I do often. I'm not impulsive, spontaneous. But I felt I just had to jump. Take a leap of faith. Because I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd passed up on a great second chance.

Opportunities and Decisions

So I was planning on going to Nigeria for about three weeks this summer - and to be back in time to go to the Idaho Youth Summit on staff, because I missed it last year (my brother's wedding was the same week) and it's such an important experience and place for me. I believe in what that camp does and says and its really what I want to do with the rest of my life -- work with drug prevention programs for teens. At the same time, I've been a little nervous about missing a year. There will be a lot of new people I don't know, and I wasn't too fond of the new people we got a couple of years ago, and every year, things change. Idaho Drug Free Youth is always growing, morphing, improving, which is great, but sometimes it's hard to jump back in, because all your good memories are tied to the way things "used to be." Plus, I'd get back from Nigeria, be home for about 3 days, then go to camp, which is physically, and emotionally and mentally exhausting. Add jet lag, not being home for 3, 3.5 weeks, and I knew it was going to be tough, but I wanted to do it.

Then today, my stepmom in Nigeria sent this email to me:

If you are at all interested, the head of the Public Diplomacy Section wants you to be their Summer hire. I let him read your paper and he wants you badly! You would work with the unit that handles press and college student. Counseling Nigerian students about colleges and maybe some out of Lagos trips. It would only pay minimum wage, but it would be interesting and probably beneficial to the resume. At this time it could only happen if you were willing to be here at least 4 weeks, so it would mean a choice for you. I am supposed to ask/plead and get a response by next week. They have to do the work of applying for you, and if they can't have you, they don't want anyone! Think about it and let us know. This would not be the assistant secretary type of job most summer hire students get. They would create a special description to use your skills. See, you shine even from so far away. Love you! P and D

WOW. What an opportunity right? But it'd mean I'd miss camp. And be gone for over a month. But it just sounds AMAZING. Plus, I'd get to REALLY be with my Dad and stepmom for more than just a visit, it'd be more like living with them, something I haven't done since I was 13-14.

Choices, choices, choices.