I was taken out on a date tonight. With someone I would rather not have gone on a date with. I've known he liked me for about two months (he told me at a party, but I told him I didn't have feelings for him and we went on being good friends), and I kind of considered it when we were in Canada over break, usually while I was drinking :P but I was good and didn't do anything I would've regretted -- I don't even flirt; I'm very careful not to, even though I normally do with my guy friends that I'm comfortable around. Hopefully you know what I mean, there's the flirting you do with guys you like and the "flirting" you do with guys you're just friends with, which pretty much just means joking around with them, giving them hugs --> there isn't really a personal bubble that you don't cross into. Like today, I ran into my friend Paul, who I love and gave him a hug and bumped shoulders with him while we were joking around...those kinds of things. I just don't do that with Cody, because I don't want to give the wrong idea, and I've just never felt comfortable like that around him, though I do feel very comfortable talking to him.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Out of control
I don't even know what's wrong, but I am sobbing my eyes out.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Running out of time
So overwhelmed this week, so completely overwhelmed. Of course it's my doing. I looked at my school schedule and thought I had all this free time, so I made lots of plans with friends, and then turns out, don't have so much time.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Passion
I want to feel passionate towards someone again.
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
Sunday, October 28, 2007
:)
Finally, a good weekend. I kept saying "the next one will be good, the next one." Well finally it happened. In fact, no one had drama, everyone had a good time, no alcohol poisoning, no cops busting up the party, nothing. The party was packed, and so much fun. I drank a lot, but I remember everything, didn't get sick, had a hangover for a couple hours this morning, but feel fine now.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Homework Avoidance
I should be doing homework right now, but that's a phrase I say a lot and everything also manages to get done.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Priorities
I don't know what mine are right now. I found out a little bit ago that my grandmother passed away this weekend -- peacefully, of old age, in her sleep -- and that the funeral is this weekend. My dad is flying in from Nigeria and my mom (although she is not my grandmother's daughter, but her ex-daughter in-law, my mom was very close with her, called her Mom, and spoke with her every month) is thinking about flying to the funeral, though I think her only worry is that she won't be welcome by my Dad's family. I asked if I could go, if I wanted to and she of course said yes, but I haven't decided if I want to go yet. I have to give her an answer by tomorrow.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
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