It's raining on the inside.

I am worn out, worn thin, worn through. I feel hollow. Last night did me in.

I had an amazing Friday night, a little drinking, but not too much, lots of fun, laughs, craziness and friends. Kelby was there, but it wasn't a big deal; mostly like nothing had ever happened between us. Which I prefer, to being ignored, or having him walk on eggshells around me.

Saturday morning I did the farmer's market with Rachel and her sister Debbie, who flew in for the weekend, watched the homecoming parade and then got my hair done. (SO cute, more blonde and bangs!) then walked to their house to tailgate the game. Downed about 4 shots, and then had two more at the game. Drunk flirted with a friend the whole time and had a blast. Left at halftime, went home for a nap around 5 and then (hungover) drove back over to the house. Started drinking again around 8:30, Kelby was around, but we left to go to a party and he stayed behind. Party was lame, hit up about 3 different lame places befor just heading back to the house. Ian was having people over playing beer pong at our apartment, which I hate being around there for, so even though I wasn't drunk (only had one bottle of arbor mist) I was staying at Rachel's house. Even though the party scene was a bust, I'd had a great day and a really good night. Kelby was still there and had been drinking straight since noon and was absolutely trashed. He started hitting on Patti's friend Sam (who's engaged and getting married next month, but she was trashed too) and putting his arm around her and grabbing her hand, doing exactly what he did with me when he was drunk before. I couldn't handle it, but I had no where else to go. He then starts whispering to Patti, and she comes over and tells me he said to her "I'm sorry I broke Kristin's heart." I tell her he should tell me that to my face, start crying, because I'm just SO tired of it all and can't be strong anymore, and run downstairs. Which is VERY unlike me. Save the crying for the bathroom, then come out as if everythings fine, is my motto. Rachel calms me down, I go back upstairs and Katy takes Kelby and Sam to Winco, and Patti tells me he wants to talk to me when he gets back.

For awhile after he gets back we just ignore each other and I try to not look at him. Then, he comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and tried to feed me a white chocolate covered pretzel. I immediately pulled his arm off me, and told him "Please don't." And try not to start crying again. A few minutes later he comes back, puts his arm around me again and asks if I have a minute and leads me outside.

Then we have the "talk." First he starts hugging me and saying he's sorry and I keep pulling away, but he keeps pulling me back, I don't hug him back but keep my arms crossed. There's no way he's getting off the hook. He asks me what I remember from last weekend, which isn't much and he tells me I forgot the most important part, but refuses to tell me what it is, and keeps trying to feed me more preztels and avoid the subject. FInally I just snap at him "Kelby, I'm sick of not knowing, be straight with me and tell me. I don't remember and it's freaking me out." He says we agreed to just be friends and not hook up anymore. Which I kinda figured that was what was said. Part of me wonders if there's more he didn't tell me though. We talk awhile longer about how he should have called and shouldn't have ignored me and just told me when he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship or hook up anymore and I told him "I can handle rejection. It's fine if you don't want to be with me, I just needed to know so I could move on." He explains how he's barely getting by with school and the Air Force and ASUI senate and everything and he can't handle a relationship and he's sorry for not telling me before. He says he realized it wasn't gonig anywhere with us, even though it's fun to have someone to kiss when you're drunk, and he wishes he were in a place in his life to be with someone, but he's not. He also said he's been with enough confused girls, and that maybe he was getting a taste of his own medicine, being the "confused boy" this time.

More was said, but that was most of the important stuff. A big part of me wishes we could have talked when he was sober, but I know he was being honest with me, drunk or not, and I probably got more truth out of him last night than I would have when he was sober. I realize I actually tend to prefer drunk Kelby better than sober Kelby, because he tends to close himself off when he's sober. I also realize that he's pretty down on himself and sees himsefl as a failure, and thinks he isn't doing enough, or well enough, even though he is, which is probably a big part of why he didn't call. He didn't know how to deal with it.

He stayed the night at their house too, and this morning, I couldn't tell if things were weird between us or he was just super hungover. I'm trying not to care. We agreed we were good last night and I'm just going to have to believe that and we proved Friday night we are capable of acting like friends, at least.

I'm glad I got to speak my mind to him. And be honest. and not pussy out and let him off the hook with one "I'm sorry." I feel relief at finally hearing his side. But sadness too, that it had to end up this way, full of drama and drunkeness and crying.It all could have been avoided so easily.



Next weekend will be better.