Burnt

I don't know what it is about today, but I feel like the world is crashing down. I couldn't pay attention in class, I feel absolutely slammed with school work, with Safeway (thank god that's almost over) and the only thing that keeps me going is my friends and recently, getting involved with Psi Chi (National Honors Psychology Society), which keeps me motivated to be involved with the community, and it's a TON of fun, with a lot of great/fun/excited people. Unlike NSCS (National Society of Collegiate Scholars) which I'm one of the officers of. We haven't done jack shit this year, even though Ive tried to get things going, and it doesn't look like we're ever going to do anything, seeing how only TWO members show up to our last general meeting, and only half of our officers were there.

School is just....I LOVE my classes. They're hard, they challenge me, they're interesting, but they keep me BUSY.and I'm only taking 13 credits (4 classes). Next semester I need to take at least 15 credits to stay on course to graduate on time, which will be 5-6 classes. Probably 3 Psych classes, an honors science course and a computer science course. those 5 classes add up to 14 credits. So I'll probably add some random 1 credit course.

I ran into Kelby today at lunch and he didn't say anything to me, nor I to him. The last time things seemed "good" with him, was the Friday of Night for Darfur, which was almost two weeks ago. It's like nothing ever happened between us. At least if he rejected me, told me it was over, I could deal, move on. But until that happens, I have this small tiny hope it's NOT over.

I've been trying to think about this other hot guy I know as much as possible, just to not think about Kelby. I don't expect anything to happen with this guy (Aaron) but I just need a distraction. He is beautiful though, as my friends Kelsey said, like an Abercrombie and Fitch model beautiful. He's also my drunk scrabble partner. We always lose....

Anyways, I'm sure things will get better, especially once I move on from stupid boy. and this weekend I get to see my mom, so I'll get a little pampering.

I <3 Kids

So last week at work I asked to go home early, because I had a fever and felt like I was going to pass out. I have not missed a day of work since April. I have called in sick a couple times, but when they said I needed to be there, I showed up. But I could not stay this last Sunday. So finally my boss said I could go home, but he called me up into his office and told me if I ever called in sick again, he would not schedule me anymore. AKA I would not have a job. Because he felt, even though I was a great worker, and he liked me, he could not rely on me. I was unreliable. Because I'd been sick 2 out of the last 4 weeks. EVEN though I'd been showing up to work while I was sick. I am unreliable.

BULLSHIT. I actually started leaking some tears, which DID cause him to feel a little bad and he apoligized for "hurting my feelings" the next day.

This is the same guy who has been sheduling people who are going to school full time 25-35 hours a week when they don't want to work that much. Because he doesn't want to hire more people. And he now has a "no one can ever call in sick again ever" policy. Which is ridiculous.

So I asked my friend Rachel if she knew of any other places that were hiring, because even though I like my job at Safeway, I don't like it THAT much. And today I was hired at a daycare to work no more than 16 hours a week, granted for less money than I earned at Safeway, but I don't ever have to work weekends, or nights. (Nights are pretty much the only shifts avilable at Safeway, that and Sundays) And it's fun. I get to hang out with mostly 3-4 year olds, and few babies, help out with lunch, naptime, activities. And the woman who runs it is great.

Pretty much made my day. :) So I just wanted to share.

What's weird is Sam told me, when I first told him I was thinking about taking this job last week, he said, flat out "I think you'd hate that job, I don't think you should do it." When asked why I would hate it, because I think I'll love it, he just said "I just think you'll get tired of it really fast and it's not the kind of thing you like." Weird huh? I love kids. And today when we hung out (which was good, no drama, we had a lot of fun, unlike last Friday we hung out....he cried on my couch for an hour, which of course made me start crying...blah) he said "I was surprised you stuck it out at Safeway as long as you did. I didn't think you'd make it." Which is also a weird statement, because I never hated my job there, for the most part I liked/like working there. Part of quitting now is just that I have a better option, that I never had before. And I think it's time for a change. Change can be good.

Attached

Oh yes, I've definitely become attached to Kelby. Pretty sure he's interested. Pretty sure he also has NO time whatsoever for a girlfriend or anythingclose to a girlfriend. Of course, I admire all his committments and the fact he's SO involved, and he's passionate about helping others and doing well in school and that he wants to be a doctor. But all these things I admire keep me from seeing him. Woe is me. Haha.

Meh, I'll live, and make do with what I can get. At least he's a good guy. And I don't need a relationship. So I guess it works out pretty well. But I DO miss kissing him....

Freedom Rings

Today I found out he asked Patti to "inform" him if I ever hooked up with anyone else, because "you want to know who your girlfriend is rebounding with." Thankfully Patti told him she wouldn't pick between him and I and she wouldn't betray her friendship with me by tattling on me to him. What would I do without her? He also told her he wanted to win me back. AND said he wanted to recruit the guy I DID make out with (he hasn't found out yet) on Monday, to his fraternity. One, I don't think Kelby's interested in fraternity life, and two, that would just be plain awkward. Not that we're dating, or anything, but I'm definitely interested in him.

I know I want to be single for awhile. I am LOVING it. I love having the freedom to randomly hook up, go on dates (yes that's right, I went out to lunch with a guy I'm not in a relationship with. WEIRD. I mean I know I go out to lunch with guys all the time, but that's just as friends, not because we're interested in each other). It's fun to date, without being a girlfriend right away.

I'd forgotten what it was like to just be able to concentrate on my friends all the time, and have fun going out and doing whatever I want, and not having to update someone with my schedule every day.

Can you turn my black roses red?

It's done. Over. Two years of my life. I'm crying, but not in desperation, as before. For the loss of something that used to mean so much to me, for the loss of love, passion, and wonderful aching of something powerful.

I do not doubt I will fall in love again. Or that he will. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone for the rest of my life. As a child of divorce, that question always lurks. Will I be able to stick by someone for forever? I hope so.

I also feel like someone new. Someone with so many possibilities suddenly open to her.

I promised I'd give him a few days alone. He said he did not love me anymore either, but was, as I had been, trying to fall back in love, to hold on to his best friend, to his love of the past two years. I hope he was telling the truth and not saying it to just make me feel better.

I've made too many guys cry, I do believe.

Strength

I fell in love. Probably more accurate is lust. But I don't care, I'm obsessed. Seriously. I met an Irish guy who grew up in Scotland, and has the most delicious accent. And my god, is he BEAUTIFUL.

And I sat next to him, on a tiny airplane for an hour from Seattle to Lewiston. After I'd been travelling for 34 hours and looked/smelled/felt like absolute grossness.

We talked the entire time, and yet I chickened out of asking him for his number. I did promise to show him around Moscow, and hang out with him, but that's a little hard to do if I can't FIND HIM.

He's going to LSCS for the next four years on a golf (I know, golf is lame, and boring, but hey, you know, whatever floats his boat) scholarship. He's 19, but its his first year of school.

Anyways, once the golf page at LSCS updates its roster, I can find out his last name and HOPE he has facebook or MySpace. If not....well...I guess I'm fucked. I told you, I'm obsessed.

Oh, and his name is James.


On to the other guy in my life, I need to end it. Completely. Do I have the willpower to do this? I don't think so. I'm not in love, I'm not in love, I'm not in love. But how do you tell someone that? After leading him on for the last month and a half, saying "we'll get back together, we will."

If I give myself a deadline to do it, I'll chicken out and then feel horrible about not doing it. I'll come up with excuses not to. I keep saying, MAYBE i'll feel diferently, MAYBE. Maybe ending it isn't right.

I'm a liar. I lie to myself.

Working

So. Here I go again into my drama.

Friday night: drunk, said a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to say and needed to say, but ended up breaking up with Sam

Saturday morning: Hungover-ish and crying, feeling horrible about hurting him

Saturday afternoon/evening: Missing Sam like crazy, feeling I made a mistake, maybe breaking up isn't what I wanted to do, and yet all the things I said were/are still true

Sunday: I realize I can compromise. I was NOT ready to break up completely, otherwise, I would have done so when sober. However, there are problems that need to be worked on and I do need some time to myself. Still would like to date other people in my life before getting married, but there's no one but Sam right now. Still love him, and being apart and working on things, while still being friends and talking will hopefully strengthen us as individuals and our relationship. When/if it is right, we will move back into a romantic relationship. Till then, as he put it, we'll be "exclusive friends." Not seeing anyone else, not dating, but working on being friends and who we are, seperate and together.

This sounds RIGHT. Breaking up did not. Staying together did not.

Sometimes you have to let something go to appreciate how much it really is worth. I'm not saying this will fix everything, but it's a start. It's DOING something about the problems, not ignoring them, not pushing them away. I think I need to work on feeling more confident when it comes to being intimate. I need to work on letting him in, instead of pushing him away. And he needs to work on letting me be independent, and my own person, not someone he can be attached at the hip to.