Let me start off by saying, last night was amazing, horrible, enlightening, fun, riduculous and embarressing, all at the same time.

Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.

Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop

Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it

Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.

I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.

I'm up to my ankles and drowning anyways.

Last night was just a little too much to handle. Starts off at Katy and Rachel and Patti and Sami's house, and Sam shows up and we start drinking a little. And it's just weird bewteen him and I. Usually we do pretty good, but there were some awkward moments and I just didn't want to deal with it. Then we head over to our friend's house on King st to party it up and Kelby shows up. mmm yay, both Sam and Kelby in one place. but Kelby doesn't show any interest all night, VERY platonic, didn't say goodbye, no hug. So I'm feeling pretty down and pissy and I'm PMSing and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get really drunk, even though I want to. Then my friend Cody, who I LOVE, and had thought maybe he liked me, but I have no feelings whatsoever for him, led me into his room, and said "I like you." I was speechless. I'm not really sure exactly what I stammered out, something along the lines of I don't know you extremely well, I LOVE hanging out with you, but I don't like you. Gave him a hug, and tried to pretend it didn't happen the rest of the night, so he didn't feel weird. Then we head back to Patti's house to sleep, and Kelby shows up and stays the night there too. Again, doesn't talk to me much, sleeps on the other couch, and I remember him getting up and going home about 4 am, and he said goodnight to me.

Half of me wants to call him and tell him I need to talk to him and just ASK what happened and why he lost interest, just so I know and don't feel so lost, so used and I can move on. Half of me is terrified of being vulnerable like that in front of him and I want him to think I'm just fine and don't care at all he just forgot about me.

I'm not cut out for this.

Burnt

I don't know what it is about today, but I feel like the world is crashing down. I couldn't pay attention in class, I feel absolutely slammed with school work, with Safeway (thank god that's almost over) and the only thing that keeps me going is my friends and recently, getting involved with Psi Chi (National Honors Psychology Society), which keeps me motivated to be involved with the community, and it's a TON of fun, with a lot of great/fun/excited people. Unlike NSCS (National Society of Collegiate Scholars) which I'm one of the officers of. We haven't done jack shit this year, even though Ive tried to get things going, and it doesn't look like we're ever going to do anything, seeing how only TWO members show up to our last general meeting, and only half of our officers were there.

School is just....I LOVE my classes. They're hard, they challenge me, they're interesting, but they keep me BUSY.and I'm only taking 13 credits (4 classes). Next semester I need to take at least 15 credits to stay on course to graduate on time, which will be 5-6 classes. Probably 3 Psych classes, an honors science course and a computer science course. those 5 classes add up to 14 credits. So I'll probably add some random 1 credit course.

I ran into Kelby today at lunch and he didn't say anything to me, nor I to him. The last time things seemed "good" with him, was the Friday of Night for Darfur, which was almost two weeks ago. It's like nothing ever happened between us. At least if he rejected me, told me it was over, I could deal, move on. But until that happens, I have this small tiny hope it's NOT over.

I've been trying to think about this other hot guy I know as much as possible, just to not think about Kelby. I don't expect anything to happen with this guy (Aaron) but I just need a distraction. He is beautiful though, as my friends Kelsey said, like an Abercrombie and Fitch model beautiful. He's also my drunk scrabble partner. We always lose....

Anyways, I'm sure things will get better, especially once I move on from stupid boy. and this weekend I get to see my mom, so I'll get a little pampering.

I <3 Kids

So last week at work I asked to go home early, because I had a fever and felt like I was going to pass out. I have not missed a day of work since April. I have called in sick a couple times, but when they said I needed to be there, I showed up. But I could not stay this last Sunday. So finally my boss said I could go home, but he called me up into his office and told me if I ever called in sick again, he would not schedule me anymore. AKA I would not have a job. Because he felt, even though I was a great worker, and he liked me, he could not rely on me. I was unreliable. Because I'd been sick 2 out of the last 4 weeks. EVEN though I'd been showing up to work while I was sick. I am unreliable.

BULLSHIT. I actually started leaking some tears, which DID cause him to feel a little bad and he apoligized for "hurting my feelings" the next day.

This is the same guy who has been sheduling people who are going to school full time 25-35 hours a week when they don't want to work that much. Because he doesn't want to hire more people. And he now has a "no one can ever call in sick again ever" policy. Which is ridiculous.

So I asked my friend Rachel if she knew of any other places that were hiring, because even though I like my job at Safeway, I don't like it THAT much. And today I was hired at a daycare to work no more than 16 hours a week, granted for less money than I earned at Safeway, but I don't ever have to work weekends, or nights. (Nights are pretty much the only shifts avilable at Safeway, that and Sundays) And it's fun. I get to hang out with mostly 3-4 year olds, and few babies, help out with lunch, naptime, activities. And the woman who runs it is great.

Pretty much made my day. :) So I just wanted to share.

What's weird is Sam told me, when I first told him I was thinking about taking this job last week, he said, flat out "I think you'd hate that job, I don't think you should do it." When asked why I would hate it, because I think I'll love it, he just said "I just think you'll get tired of it really fast and it's not the kind of thing you like." Weird huh? I love kids. And today when we hung out (which was good, no drama, we had a lot of fun, unlike last Friday we hung out....he cried on my couch for an hour, which of course made me start crying...blah) he said "I was surprised you stuck it out at Safeway as long as you did. I didn't think you'd make it." Which is also a weird statement, because I never hated my job there, for the most part I liked/like working there. Part of quitting now is just that I have a better option, that I never had before. And I think it's time for a change. Change can be good.

Attached

Oh yes, I've definitely become attached to Kelby. Pretty sure he's interested. Pretty sure he also has NO time whatsoever for a girlfriend or anythingclose to a girlfriend. Of course, I admire all his committments and the fact he's SO involved, and he's passionate about helping others and doing well in school and that he wants to be a doctor. But all these things I admire keep me from seeing him. Woe is me. Haha.

Meh, I'll live, and make do with what I can get. At least he's a good guy. And I don't need a relationship. So I guess it works out pretty well. But I DO miss kissing him....

Freedom Rings

Today I found out he asked Patti to "inform" him if I ever hooked up with anyone else, because "you want to know who your girlfriend is rebounding with." Thankfully Patti told him she wouldn't pick between him and I and she wouldn't betray her friendship with me by tattling on me to him. What would I do without her? He also told her he wanted to win me back. AND said he wanted to recruit the guy I DID make out with (he hasn't found out yet) on Monday, to his fraternity. One, I don't think Kelby's interested in fraternity life, and two, that would just be plain awkward. Not that we're dating, or anything, but I'm definitely interested in him.

I know I want to be single for awhile. I am LOVING it. I love having the freedom to randomly hook up, go on dates (yes that's right, I went out to lunch with a guy I'm not in a relationship with. WEIRD. I mean I know I go out to lunch with guys all the time, but that's just as friends, not because we're interested in each other). It's fun to date, without being a girlfriend right away.

I'd forgotten what it was like to just be able to concentrate on my friends all the time, and have fun going out and doing whatever I want, and not having to update someone with my schedule every day.

Can you turn my black roses red?

It's done. Over. Two years of my life. I'm crying, but not in desperation, as before. For the loss of something that used to mean so much to me, for the loss of love, passion, and wonderful aching of something powerful.

I do not doubt I will fall in love again. Or that he will. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone for the rest of my life. As a child of divorce, that question always lurks. Will I be able to stick by someone for forever? I hope so.

I also feel like someone new. Someone with so many possibilities suddenly open to her.

I promised I'd give him a few days alone. He said he did not love me anymore either, but was, as I had been, trying to fall back in love, to hold on to his best friend, to his love of the past two years. I hope he was telling the truth and not saying it to just make me feel better.

I've made too many guys cry, I do believe.