Why? Why, why, why?
I was okay that Kelby hadn't called. I had accepted it. In fact, I didn't even want to call him, for it would just drag it on even longer, and I was okay with it being done.
Then on Friday I get a message on Facebook, not only apologizing for New Year's (not sure why) but also asking me when I could meet him next (this) week, because he was gone this weekend, and would be every other weekend for the rest of the semester (again, why do I need to know this, unless for some reason him being gone every other weekend would affect me, but for it to affect me, we'd have to be dating....ugh WHY?).
So I write him, letting him know when I was free Monday and Tuesday of this week, and told him to let me know what worked for him.
Nothing. No message back (but he's been on Facebook). No phone call. No email.
Damnit why? I was done. I was okay. Now it's not done and I am NOT okay with being ignored, especially when he was the one to ASK to see me.
I just want to get it over with, so I can move on. I doubt he wants to date. and when I first got the message, I thought, well at least he learned something from last time and is trying to make things right with us. But now he's just making things worse.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A poet
For lack of anything else to do tonight, I've been writing, writing, writing. It's been a long time since I've written this much, and it feels good, so at least a night of loneliness produced something.
Thanks Jenelle, for talking to me, too. It meant a lot, and helped a lot. I miss you.
Naked
exposed I suppose, but the word seems so cliché.
Naked
and yet no one is noticing, caring, contemplating.
Naked
because of the absence of response.
Naked
emotions etch themselves upon my skin, but they remain ignored.
Naked
and no need to cover up.
Naked and beautiful.
A foreign concept,
a language I never thought I would understand.
To move in my own skin, and not feel awkward or
ashamed of what was given at birth, and gained since
is joy.
“I’d like to be” is forgotten
Shame, likewise, is scarce to be found.
My skin smiles at the thought of being uncovered
and the art of my angles suddenly becomes clear.
I’m lost in the seams
of history, and the pages of my memory just keep on turning
Unbidden, a wind keeps on flipping through a picture book
of you.
And I just stand still, wondering why the people around me
move so fast.
Don’t they see me?
On top of a building, teetering
please catch me.
I never want to see you again
if I only see you
you don’t see me.
Thanks Jenelle, for talking to me, too. It meant a lot, and helped a lot. I miss you.
Naked
exposed I suppose, but the word seems so cliché.
Naked
and yet no one is noticing, caring, contemplating.
Naked
because of the absence of response.
Naked
emotions etch themselves upon my skin, but they remain ignored.
Naked
and no need to cover up.
Naked and beautiful.
A foreign concept,
a language I never thought I would understand.
To move in my own skin, and not feel awkward or
ashamed of what was given at birth, and gained since
is joy.
“I’d like to be” is forgotten
Shame, likewise, is scarce to be found.
My skin smiles at the thought of being uncovered
and the art of my angles suddenly becomes clear.
I’m lost in the seams
of history, and the pages of my memory just keep on turning
Unbidden, a wind keeps on flipping through a picture book
of you.
And I just stand still, wondering why the people around me
move so fast.
Don’t they see me?
On top of a building, teetering
please catch me.
I never want to see you again
if I only see you
you don’t see me.
Lonely
Some days I just feel absolutely fed up with my friends. When I actually think I'm part of the group and accepted, something happens, and I feel like I'm the newcomer again, sitting on the outside looking in.
I don't get it.
I hate feeling this way. Insecure. Unwanted. Ignored. And without a clear reason. Is it because of things with Kelby, or Cody, that they don't want me around? Or is it really as simple as they forgot about me, which is probably closer to the truth. Most likely there's no grand scheme to not include me. I just get overlooked. Which is really just as bad. No one wants to be forgettable. No one wants to be the person who's ALWAYS calling to see what's going on.
I just hate being so lonely.
I don't get it.
I hate feeling this way. Insecure. Unwanted. Ignored. And without a clear reason. Is it because of things with Kelby, or Cody, that they don't want me around? Or is it really as simple as they forgot about me, which is probably closer to the truth. Most likely there's no grand scheme to not include me. I just get overlooked. Which is really just as bad. No one wants to be forgettable. No one wants to be the person who's ALWAYS calling to see what's going on.
I just hate being so lonely.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Sitting Waiting Wishing
I play his hypthetical rejection in my head over and over, so it will be familiar the day it actually happens. Every day I do not hear from him tells me it is just like last time, and I was a fool to hope it would be different. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it. I've learned something each time with Kelby, and that is something I do not want to lose.
I wrote this the day after. I do not feel this angry, or this hurt, but I was feeling creative, which I haven't for a long time.
Intertwined inexplicably,
Ravished words spoken heartlessly
Float on a tidal of bitter alcohol.
Messes of body parts and clothes
Slide against each other as broken pieces of glass.
Drawing invisible cuts not to be seen until
The morning after. Each kiss, so soft
In memory, but to the eye,
Bruises are the only remnant
On a naked neck.
I wrote this the day after. I do not feel this angry, or this hurt, but I was feeling creative, which I haven't for a long time.
Intertwined inexplicably,
Ravished words spoken heartlessly
Float on a tidal of bitter alcohol.
Messes of body parts and clothes
Slide against each other as broken pieces of glass.
Drawing invisible cuts not to be seen until
The morning after. Each kiss, so soft
In memory, but to the eye,
Bruises are the only remnant
On a naked neck.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Friends, drinking and kissing
I don't know if I should feel stupid about last night or not. I think I'll have to wait and see what happens (or doesn't happen) in the future.
All in all, it was an amazing New Years. I not only got to party with my college friends, but with some of my best high school friends, at the same party. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I hope everyone else did as well.
The night went really well, for me. I drank a lot, but not too much, I had fun, I danced, I was talking to Kelby as a friend, and it wasn't awkward, and it was the first time we'd hung out since the weekend before Halloween. The first thing he said to me is that he loved my hair. I swear his jaw dropped a little. It helped that I had had my hair done that morning, colored and cut.
Things between Cody and I seemed normal again too. I'm not sure if he still likes me, but we had a lot of fun, regardless, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around him. Hopefully things are still good between us today. I'm not sure how drunk he was, if he saw me and Kelby(getting to that part...) AND last I saw him he was hooking up hardcore with Jade, someone who is (technically) my friend I brought over, though I haven't talked to her for about a year and had no idea she was coming with George. It was good to see her, but it'll be interesting to see what happens between them.
So, Kelby. Kelby, Kelby, Kelby. I was over him, for the most part. Didn't check his facebook, didn't think about him much, though I admit, I was excited when I heard he was coming last night. He, apparently, had no idea I would be there and he told me it took him completely off guard. Obviously. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and we started dancing, and then we kissed. And IMMEDIATELY, I told him I would not and could not go through what we did before, I'm fine with having fun tonight, but in morning I would need to know what was going on. I was a relationship girl, and as much as I would love to hook up sometimes, no strings attached, it's just not how I'm wired. Which he said was a good thing.... And I told him I understand he's busy and doesn't want to date, so it's fine, but to just tell me. And you know what he said? "I could make time, for you." Among other things along those lines, like "Would you mind if I have to go back to Cottonwood (home for him) every other weekend to work?" He told me I'm busy too, and he told me how much he admires my grades and that I work and other amazing compliments.
We talked a lot, between kisses. About the Funk party, and the weekend he made me cry, and the first time we hooked up, and how much we'd missed each other. About how I was a virgin, and he wasn't, but that's not what he wanted. He definitely made it sound like he wanted a relationship. He was drunk, I was drunk, but like I've said, drunk Kelby is honest and not shy, which he admitted as well.
Then we made it back to my apartment. He stayed the night, and was completely affectionate all night, all morning, and it was....heaven. I couldnt sleep at all, I was thinking SO much. Every time I moved in bed, he moved with me, like he couldn't stand to not have his arms around me, even in his sleep.
Then he drove me back to my car. And it was weird, all of a sudden, saying goodbye. He drove back home today, to go back to work, and will be back for school in a week. He said he'd see/talk to me then, and kissed me, nicely, but nothing big, meaningful, or anything. I think I want to give him that week to think about things, and then it's ultimatum time. I will not go through this again, the not knowing, and the drunken confusion. I don't regret last night, and if that's all it is, then I think I'm okay with that. I just need to know, straight up, soon, if it's going anywhere. If not, I'll move on again.
All in all, it was an amazing New Years. I not only got to party with my college friends, but with some of my best high school friends, at the same party. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I hope everyone else did as well.
The night went really well, for me. I drank a lot, but not too much, I had fun, I danced, I was talking to Kelby as a friend, and it wasn't awkward, and it was the first time we'd hung out since the weekend before Halloween. The first thing he said to me is that he loved my hair. I swear his jaw dropped a little. It helped that I had had my hair done that morning, colored and cut.
Things between Cody and I seemed normal again too. I'm not sure if he still likes me, but we had a lot of fun, regardless, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around him. Hopefully things are still good between us today. I'm not sure how drunk he was, if he saw me and Kelby(getting to that part...) AND last I saw him he was hooking up hardcore with Jade, someone who is (technically) my friend I brought over, though I haven't talked to her for about a year and had no idea she was coming with George. It was good to see her, but it'll be interesting to see what happens between them.
So, Kelby. Kelby, Kelby, Kelby. I was over him, for the most part. Didn't check his facebook, didn't think about him much, though I admit, I was excited when I heard he was coming last night. He, apparently, had no idea I would be there and he told me it took him completely off guard. Obviously. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and we started dancing, and then we kissed. And IMMEDIATELY, I told him I would not and could not go through what we did before, I'm fine with having fun tonight, but in morning I would need to know what was going on. I was a relationship girl, and as much as I would love to hook up sometimes, no strings attached, it's just not how I'm wired. Which he said was a good thing.... And I told him I understand he's busy and doesn't want to date, so it's fine, but to just tell me. And you know what he said? "I could make time, for you." Among other things along those lines, like "Would you mind if I have to go back to Cottonwood (home for him) every other weekend to work?" He told me I'm busy too, and he told me how much he admires my grades and that I work and other amazing compliments.
We talked a lot, between kisses. About the Funk party, and the weekend he made me cry, and the first time we hooked up, and how much we'd missed each other. About how I was a virgin, and he wasn't, but that's not what he wanted. He definitely made it sound like he wanted a relationship. He was drunk, I was drunk, but like I've said, drunk Kelby is honest and not shy, which he admitted as well.
Then we made it back to my apartment. He stayed the night, and was completely affectionate all night, all morning, and it was....heaven. I couldnt sleep at all, I was thinking SO much. Every time I moved in bed, he moved with me, like he couldn't stand to not have his arms around me, even in his sleep.
Then he drove me back to my car. And it was weird, all of a sudden, saying goodbye. He drove back home today, to go back to work, and will be back for school in a week. He said he'd see/talk to me then, and kissed me, nicely, but nothing big, meaningful, or anything. I think I want to give him that week to think about things, and then it's ultimatum time. I will not go through this again, the not knowing, and the drunken confusion. I don't regret last night, and if that's all it is, then I think I'm okay with that. I just need to know, straight up, soon, if it's going anywhere. If not, I'll move on again.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Long lost friend
It is amazing how fast Kayleigh and I fell back into our friendship. I guess that's what happens when you were friends for 11 years, despite the fact we took 3 and a half years off. The first half hour was a little awkward, but after that, it was easy. I guess I should have known it would be, because we did a similar thing in 7th grade. We didn't talk for a year, and then, all of a sudden we were at Ren fair, hanging out for the first time, and it was like nothing ever happened.
We even went to Walmart together like we used to all the time in 9th and 10th grade. We already have plans for later on this week and it's just nice to be around someone who knows my history back to when I was 5 years old. Granted we have some catching up to do about the last two years of high school and our first year of college, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited to get to know her all over again.
It's just....so nice to have her back.
We even went to Walmart together like we used to all the time in 9th and 10th grade. We already have plans for later on this week and it's just nice to be around someone who knows my history back to when I was 5 years old. Granted we have some catching up to do about the last two years of high school and our first year of college, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited to get to know her all over again.
It's just....so nice to have her back.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Mistakes
So I'm finally done with the semester, which is amazing. I have so much free time, and I don't know what to do with myself!! I could be productive, and clean out my closet, or do laundry or a million other little things, but for now, I'm going to put them off.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
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