Finally, a good weekend. I kept saying "the next one will be good, the next one." Well finally it happened. In fact, no one had drama, everyone had a good time, no alcohol poisoning, no cops busting up the party, nothing. The party was packed, and so much fun. I drank a lot, but I remember everything, didn't get sick, had a hangover for a couple hours this morning, but feel fine now.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Homework Avoidance
I should be doing homework right now, but that's a phrase I say a lot and everything also manages to get done.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Priorities
I don't know what mine are right now. I found out a little bit ago that my grandmother passed away this weekend -- peacefully, of old age, in her sleep -- and that the funeral is this weekend. My dad is flying in from Nigeria and my mom (although she is not my grandmother's daughter, but her ex-daughter in-law, my mom was very close with her, called her Mom, and spoke with her every month) is thinking about flying to the funeral, though I think her only worry is that she won't be welcome by my Dad's family. I asked if I could go, if I wanted to and she of course said yes, but I haven't decided if I want to go yet. I have to give her an answer by tomorrow.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Not awake
I can't stop sleeping. All the time. 8 hours a night, and then I want a nap. Sometimes only a couple of hours after waking up.
It worries me a little, usually I sleep a lot when I get depressed. But I don't feel that down. The only other explanation I can think of is that since I started my new job, I don't see a large majority of my friends as often (used to have lunch with them all after class, but now I head straight to work), and most of them went out of town this weekend. I have so much energy when I'm around them, it's incredible, and I love it. So hopefully this sleep thing goes away once I have more of a social life, instead of laying around my apartment doing homework and watching Friends for hours and hours and hours.
I think I'm going to shower and head to the Commons to do homework, just for a change of scenery. :)
It worries me a little, usually I sleep a lot when I get depressed. But I don't feel that down. The only other explanation I can think of is that since I started my new job, I don't see a large majority of my friends as often (used to have lunch with them all after class, but now I head straight to work), and most of them went out of town this weekend. I have so much energy when I'm around them, it's incredible, and I love it. So hopefully this sleep thing goes away once I have more of a social life, instead of laying around my apartment doing homework and watching Friends for hours and hours and hours.
I think I'm going to shower and head to the Commons to do homework, just for a change of scenery. :)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
It's raining on the inside.
I am worn out, worn thin, worn through. I feel hollow. Last night did me in.
I had an amazing Friday night, a little drinking, but not too much, lots of fun, laughs, craziness and friends. Kelby was there, but it wasn't a big deal; mostly like nothing had ever happened between us. Which I prefer, to being ignored, or having him walk on eggshells around me.
Saturday morning I did the farmer's market with Rachel and her sister Debbie, who flew in for the weekend, watched the homecoming parade and then got my hair done. (SO cute, more blonde and bangs!) then walked to their house to tailgate the game. Downed about 4 shots, and then had two more at the game. Drunk flirted with a friend the whole time and had a blast. Left at halftime, went home for a nap around 5 and then (hungover) drove back over to the house. Started drinking again around 8:30, Kelby was around, but we left to go to a party and he stayed behind. Party was lame, hit up about 3 different lame places befor just heading back to the house. Ian was having people over playing beer pong at our apartment, which I hate being around there for, so even though I wasn't drunk (only had one bottle of arbor mist) I was staying at Rachel's house. Even though the party scene was a bust, I'd had a great day and a really good night. Kelby was still there and had been drinking straight since noon and was absolutely trashed. He started hitting on Patti's friend Sam (who's engaged and getting married next month, but she was trashed too) and putting his arm around her and grabbing her hand, doing exactly what he did with me when he was drunk before. I couldn't handle it, but I had no where else to go. He then starts whispering to Patti, and she comes over and tells me he said to her "I'm sorry I broke Kristin's heart." I tell her he should tell me that to my face, start crying, because I'm just SO tired of it all and can't be strong anymore, and run downstairs. Which is VERY unlike me. Save the crying for the bathroom, then come out as if everythings fine, is my motto. Rachel calms me down, I go back upstairs and Katy takes Kelby and Sam to Winco, and Patti tells me he wants to talk to me when he gets back.
For awhile after he gets back we just ignore each other and I try to not look at him. Then, he comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and tried to feed me a white chocolate covered pretzel. I immediately pulled his arm off me, and told him "Please don't." And try not to start crying again. A few minutes later he comes back, puts his arm around me again and asks if I have a minute and leads me outside.
Then we have the "talk." First he starts hugging me and saying he's sorry and I keep pulling away, but he keeps pulling me back, I don't hug him back but keep my arms crossed. There's no way he's getting off the hook. He asks me what I remember from last weekend, which isn't much and he tells me I forgot the most important part, but refuses to tell me what it is, and keeps trying to feed me more preztels and avoid the subject. FInally I just snap at him "Kelby, I'm sick of not knowing, be straight with me and tell me. I don't remember and it's freaking me out." He says we agreed to just be friends and not hook up anymore. Which I kinda figured that was what was said. Part of me wonders if there's more he didn't tell me though. We talk awhile longer about how he should have called and shouldn't have ignored me and just told me when he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship or hook up anymore and I told him "I can handle rejection. It's fine if you don't want to be with me, I just needed to know so I could move on." He explains how he's barely getting by with school and the Air Force and ASUI senate and everything and he can't handle a relationship and he's sorry for not telling me before. He says he realized it wasn't gonig anywhere with us, even though it's fun to have someone to kiss when you're drunk, and he wishes he were in a place in his life to be with someone, but he's not. He also said he's been with enough confused girls, and that maybe he was getting a taste of his own medicine, being the "confused boy" this time.
More was said, but that was most of the important stuff. A big part of me wishes we could have talked when he was sober, but I know he was being honest with me, drunk or not, and I probably got more truth out of him last night than I would have when he was sober. I realize I actually tend to prefer drunk Kelby better than sober Kelby, because he tends to close himself off when he's sober. I also realize that he's pretty down on himself and sees himsefl as a failure, and thinks he isn't doing enough, or well enough, even though he is, which is probably a big part of why he didn't call. He didn't know how to deal with it.
He stayed the night at their house too, and this morning, I couldn't tell if things were weird between us or he was just super hungover. I'm trying not to care. We agreed we were good last night and I'm just going to have to believe that and we proved Friday night we are capable of acting like friends, at least.
I'm glad I got to speak my mind to him. And be honest. and not pussy out and let him off the hook with one "I'm sorry." I feel relief at finally hearing his side. But sadness too, that it had to end up this way, full of drama and drunkeness and crying.It all could have been avoided so easily.
Next weekend will be better.
I had an amazing Friday night, a little drinking, but not too much, lots of fun, laughs, craziness and friends. Kelby was there, but it wasn't a big deal; mostly like nothing had ever happened between us. Which I prefer, to being ignored, or having him walk on eggshells around me.
Saturday morning I did the farmer's market with Rachel and her sister Debbie, who flew in for the weekend, watched the homecoming parade and then got my hair done. (SO cute, more blonde and bangs!) then walked to their house to tailgate the game. Downed about 4 shots, and then had two more at the game. Drunk flirted with a friend the whole time and had a blast. Left at halftime, went home for a nap around 5 and then (hungover) drove back over to the house. Started drinking again around 8:30, Kelby was around, but we left to go to a party and he stayed behind. Party was lame, hit up about 3 different lame places befor just heading back to the house. Ian was having people over playing beer pong at our apartment, which I hate being around there for, so even though I wasn't drunk (only had one bottle of arbor mist) I was staying at Rachel's house. Even though the party scene was a bust, I'd had a great day and a really good night. Kelby was still there and had been drinking straight since noon and was absolutely trashed. He started hitting on Patti's friend Sam (who's engaged and getting married next month, but she was trashed too) and putting his arm around her and grabbing her hand, doing exactly what he did with me when he was drunk before. I couldn't handle it, but I had no where else to go. He then starts whispering to Patti, and she comes over and tells me he said to her "I'm sorry I broke Kristin's heart." I tell her he should tell me that to my face, start crying, because I'm just SO tired of it all and can't be strong anymore, and run downstairs. Which is VERY unlike me. Save the crying for the bathroom, then come out as if everythings fine, is my motto. Rachel calms me down, I go back upstairs and Katy takes Kelby and Sam to Winco, and Patti tells me he wants to talk to me when he gets back.
For awhile after he gets back we just ignore each other and I try to not look at him. Then, he comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and tried to feed me a white chocolate covered pretzel. I immediately pulled his arm off me, and told him "Please don't." And try not to start crying again. A few minutes later he comes back, puts his arm around me again and asks if I have a minute and leads me outside.
Then we have the "talk." First he starts hugging me and saying he's sorry and I keep pulling away, but he keeps pulling me back, I don't hug him back but keep my arms crossed. There's no way he's getting off the hook. He asks me what I remember from last weekend, which isn't much and he tells me I forgot the most important part, but refuses to tell me what it is, and keeps trying to feed me more preztels and avoid the subject. FInally I just snap at him "Kelby, I'm sick of not knowing, be straight with me and tell me. I don't remember and it's freaking me out." He says we agreed to just be friends and not hook up anymore. Which I kinda figured that was what was said. Part of me wonders if there's more he didn't tell me though. We talk awhile longer about how he should have called and shouldn't have ignored me and just told me when he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship or hook up anymore and I told him "I can handle rejection. It's fine if you don't want to be with me, I just needed to know so I could move on." He explains how he's barely getting by with school and the Air Force and ASUI senate and everything and he can't handle a relationship and he's sorry for not telling me before. He says he realized it wasn't gonig anywhere with us, even though it's fun to have someone to kiss when you're drunk, and he wishes he were in a place in his life to be with someone, but he's not. He also said he's been with enough confused girls, and that maybe he was getting a taste of his own medicine, being the "confused boy" this time.
More was said, but that was most of the important stuff. A big part of me wishes we could have talked when he was sober, but I know he was being honest with me, drunk or not, and I probably got more truth out of him last night than I would have when he was sober. I realize I actually tend to prefer drunk Kelby better than sober Kelby, because he tends to close himself off when he's sober. I also realize that he's pretty down on himself and sees himsefl as a failure, and thinks he isn't doing enough, or well enough, even though he is, which is probably a big part of why he didn't call. He didn't know how to deal with it.
He stayed the night at their house too, and this morning, I couldn't tell if things were weird between us or he was just super hungover. I'm trying not to care. We agreed we were good last night and I'm just going to have to believe that and we proved Friday night we are capable of acting like friends, at least.
I'm glad I got to speak my mind to him. And be honest. and not pussy out and let him off the hook with one "I'm sorry." I feel relief at finally hearing his side. But sadness too, that it had to end up this way, full of drama and drunkeness and crying.It all could have been avoided so easily.
Next weekend will be better.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Done, Done, Done
He isn't worth my time. Someone who can't find five minutes to return a phone call, or a text and say "Hey, we're cool." or to help me fill in the parts of the night I don't remember (which is freakin me out) is not someone I want to like. He should be a man and DEAL with me, and not ignore me. I just shouldn't like him.
So I'm working on stopping.
On a lighter, happier note, I started my new job today and I LOVE it. It's hard work, and exhausting, especially since I'm learning the routine. We have about 10 kids for the first few hours of my shift, and once school gets out, around 4-5 more join us. I have baby spit all over my shirt and my arms hurt from carrying around so many kids (one of my main jobs is to keep the little ones occupied while Debbie does chores and takes care of the older kids, so I end up carring around babies a lot) but it's worth it. I crashed for about an hour and a half on my couch when I got home and I should be writing a paper right now (after I woke up, I went to Wal-Mart with Sam, then saw Cate for about a half hour...oops) but I have until noon tomorrow to finish it, so I figure I'll just get up around 8-9 and spit out 3-4 pages.
Midterms are crazy this week, but I'm stoked for the weekend. I dont work, don't have a lot of stuff due next week, there's a football game, and hopefully I'll just have a ton of fun. No drama, just FUN.
So I'm working on stopping.
On a lighter, happier note, I started my new job today and I LOVE it. It's hard work, and exhausting, especially since I'm learning the routine. We have about 10 kids for the first few hours of my shift, and once school gets out, around 4-5 more join us. I have baby spit all over my shirt and my arms hurt from carrying around so many kids (one of my main jobs is to keep the little ones occupied while Debbie does chores and takes care of the older kids, so I end up carring around babies a lot) but it's worth it. I crashed for about an hour and a half on my couch when I got home and I should be writing a paper right now (after I woke up, I went to Wal-Mart with Sam, then saw Cate for about a half hour...oops) but I have until noon tomorrow to finish it, so I figure I'll just get up around 8-9 and spit out 3-4 pages.
Midterms are crazy this week, but I'm stoked for the weekend. I dont work, don't have a lot of stuff due next week, there's a football game, and hopefully I'll just have a ton of fun. No drama, just FUN.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Let me start off by saying, last night was amazing, horrible, enlightening, fun, riduculous and embarressing, all at the same time.
Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.
Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop
Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it
Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.
I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.
Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.
Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop
Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it
Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.
I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.
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