A New Beginning

Sam and I are giving it a try again.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm all the emotions you can think of rolled up into one.

I hadn't told many people I had started thinking about him again, mostly because it was hard to admit to myself. And it only started a couple of weeks ago, and REALLY started last week when I heard he was dating someone else and it hit me HARD. I never thought that it would. I missed one of my best friends. I missed someone who had become family. But I couldn't decide if these feelings went beyond friendship. Of course, I thought I had as long as I needed to figure it out.

Then I saw him at a party last night. It was a "classy" themed party so I was dressed to the nines, which was a blast. Anyways, I had been wanting to get coffee with Sam for awhile but he'd always reply with "I'm busy, what do you want to talk about." Like I couldnt' just want to see him, for that reason alone. So I said hi to him last night, and was like, so when can we get coffee? He replies, looking me directly in the eye and says "Why?" I'm puzzled, because I think it's obvious -- to catch up, and tell him so. He asks again, "Why?" And then with "You cut me out of your life." I'm flabbergasted and tell him I didn't cut him out of my life, I still want to be friends. And he says, "Tough luck." with this hard edge to his voice. And I start welling up with tears, because I've never heard him be so mean. So I go downstairs and he follows. I tell him I miss him, but I don't know if it's as friends, or more, but I can't live with myself if I hurt him again. He says he still loves me and would take me back and that he was the best person he ever was with me. And then he kisses me.

Which is when I tell him we can't talk about this tonight, when he's been drinking, and I've started drinking and I want to have fun tonight. I asked him how drunk he was, and he told me he wasn't, and then I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he said it wasn't anything serious.
We went back upstairs and he left soon after, making me promise to call him in the morning. I went on to have an absolutely wonderful night with my friends, which was what I needed.

So today I'm overwhelmed with the prospect of having to make a decision. Do I want to be with Sam? Is it worth trying? Am I ready to be back in a serious reltionship? AM I done with flirting and playing the field? Are my feelings strong enough?Am I physically attracted to him again?

Finally I call him and it turns out he remembers NOTHING from the night before, and I have to tell him. Then he comes over to talk. And I go through everything I'm thinking. I'm thinking I have feelings for him, but I feel like I can't get involved with him unless I'm in it for the long haul, but there's no way of knowing if I am. I feel like I can't stand hurting him again, but if we were to start dating, I'm not positive I wouldn't hurt him. I tell him I'm not really ready to be back in a serious reltionship. And what he says in response changed my mind completely.

He says it's okay if it doesn't work out this time. It's okay if I end up breaking up with him again, because at least he wouldn't spend the rest of his life wondering "what if?" He says it's all worth it, just to see if we could work. He says we don't have to be in serious reltionship, and we can take it easy. He says he won't blame me of leading him on if I change my mind.

And that, right there, I couldn't say no to. Because I don't want to wonder "what if?" either. Because he took a weight off my shoulders and I no longer am responsible if this fails. Because at least I tried. Because I desperately want my best friend back. Because I loved kissing him. Because I can imagine having sex with him. Because being with him is so easy, and I don't mean convenient, but I don't have to work at it. He already knows me, inside and out. And yet, it's exciting because we've both changed and theres new sides to each of us to get to know.

I am scared how this is going to affect my friendships. And I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. Our friends have become MY friends, and I'm hoping the two can mesh together again. I'm scared that some of his frat brothers hate me, because all they know me as is the girl who broke his heart. I know some of them still like me, because they were very friendly last night at the party, so that's good.

And I'm scared I'm making a mistake and I just don't know it yet. But all I can do is take it a day at time and listen to what my heart tells me. It may not work out. But, yet again, it may be the most amazing decision I've ever made.

I jumped. It's not something I do often. I'm not impulsive, spontaneous. But I felt I just had to jump. Take a leap of faith. Because I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd passed up on a great second chance.

Opportunities and Decisions

So I was planning on going to Nigeria for about three weeks this summer - and to be back in time to go to the Idaho Youth Summit on staff, because I missed it last year (my brother's wedding was the same week) and it's such an important experience and place for me. I believe in what that camp does and says and its really what I want to do with the rest of my life -- work with drug prevention programs for teens. At the same time, I've been a little nervous about missing a year. There will be a lot of new people I don't know, and I wasn't too fond of the new people we got a couple of years ago, and every year, things change. Idaho Drug Free Youth is always growing, morphing, improving, which is great, but sometimes it's hard to jump back in, because all your good memories are tied to the way things "used to be." Plus, I'd get back from Nigeria, be home for about 3 days, then go to camp, which is physically, and emotionally and mentally exhausting. Add jet lag, not being home for 3, 3.5 weeks, and I knew it was going to be tough, but I wanted to do it.

Then today, my stepmom in Nigeria sent this email to me:

If you are at all interested, the head of the Public Diplomacy Section wants you to be their Summer hire. I let him read your paper and he wants you badly! You would work with the unit that handles press and college student. Counseling Nigerian students about colleges and maybe some out of Lagos trips. It would only pay minimum wage, but it would be interesting and probably beneficial to the resume. At this time it could only happen if you were willing to be here at least 4 weeks, so it would mean a choice for you. I am supposed to ask/plead and get a response by next week. They have to do the work of applying for you, and if they can't have you, they don't want anyone! Think about it and let us know. This would not be the assistant secretary type of job most summer hire students get. They would create a special description to use your skills. See, you shine even from so far away. Love you! P and D

WOW. What an opportunity right? But it'd mean I'd miss camp. And be gone for over a month. But it just sounds AMAZING. Plus, I'd get to REALLY be with my Dad and stepmom for more than just a visit, it'd be more like living with them, something I haven't done since I was 13-14.

Choices, choices, choices.

Questions

Why? Why, why, why?

I was okay that Kelby hadn't called. I had accepted it. In fact, I didn't even want to call him, for it would just drag it on even longer, and I was okay with it being done.

Then on Friday I get a message on Facebook, not only apologizing for New Year's (not sure why) but also asking me when I could meet him next (this) week, because he was gone this weekend, and would be every other weekend for the rest of the semester (again, why do I need to know this, unless for some reason him being gone every other weekend would affect me, but for it to affect me, we'd have to be dating....ugh WHY?).

So I write him, letting him know when I was free Monday and Tuesday of this week, and told him to let me know what worked for him.

Nothing. No message back (but he's been on Facebook). No phone call. No email.

Damnit why? I was done. I was okay. Now it's not done and I am NOT okay with being ignored, especially when he was the one to ASK to see me.

I just want to get it over with, so I can move on. I doubt he wants to date. and when I first got the message, I thought, well at least he learned something from last time and is trying to make things right with us. But now he's just making things worse.

A poet

For lack of anything else to do tonight, I've been writing, writing, writing. It's been a long time since I've written this much, and it feels good, so at least a night of loneliness produced something.

Thanks Jenelle, for talking to me, too. It meant a lot, and helped a lot. I miss you.

Naked
exposed I suppose, but the word seems so cliché.
Naked
and yet no one is noticing, caring, contemplating.
Naked
because of the absence of response.
Naked
emotions etch themselves upon my skin, but they remain ignored.
Naked
and no need to cover up.


Naked and beautiful.
A foreign concept,
a language I never thought I would understand.
To move in my own skin, and not feel awkward or
ashamed of what was given at birth, and gained since
is joy.
“I’d like to be” is forgotten
Shame, likewise, is scarce to be found.
My skin smiles at the thought of being uncovered
and the art of my angles suddenly becomes clear.


I’m lost in the seams
of history, and the pages of my memory just keep on turning
Unbidden, a wind keeps on flipping through a picture book
of you.
And I just stand still, wondering why the people around me
move so fast.
Don’t they see me?
On top of a building, teetering
please catch me.
I never want to see you again
if I only see you
you don’t see me.

Lonely

Some days I just feel absolutely fed up with my friends. When I actually think I'm part of the group and accepted, something happens, and I feel like I'm the newcomer again, sitting on the outside looking in.

I don't get it.

I hate feeling this way. Insecure. Unwanted. Ignored. And without a clear reason. Is it because of things with Kelby, or Cody, that they don't want me around? Or is it really as simple as they forgot about me, which is probably closer to the truth. Most likely there's no grand scheme to not include me. I just get overlooked. Which is really just as bad. No one wants to be forgettable. No one wants to be the person who's ALWAYS calling to see what's going on.

I just hate being so lonely.

Sitting Waiting Wishing

I play his hypthetical rejection in my head over and over, so it will be familiar the day it actually happens. Every day I do not hear from him tells me it is just like last time, and I was a fool to hope it would be different. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it. I've learned something each time with Kelby, and that is something I do not want to lose.

I wrote this the day after. I do not feel this angry, or this hurt, but I was feeling creative, which I haven't for a long time.

Intertwined inexplicably,
Ravished words spoken heartlessly
Float on a tidal of bitter alcohol.
Messes of body parts and clothes
Slide against each other as broken pieces of glass.
Drawing invisible cuts not to be seen until
The morning after. Each kiss, so soft
In memory, but to the eye,
Bruises are the only remnant
On a naked neck.

Friends, drinking and kissing

I don't know if I should feel stupid about last night or not. I think I'll have to wait and see what happens (or doesn't happen) in the future.

All in all, it was an amazing New Years. I not only got to party with my college friends, but with some of my best high school friends, at the same party. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I hope everyone else did as well.

The night went really well, for me. I drank a lot, but not too much, I had fun, I danced, I was talking to Kelby as a friend, and it wasn't awkward, and it was the first time we'd hung out since the weekend before Halloween. The first thing he said to me is that he loved my hair. I swear his jaw dropped a little. It helped that I had had my hair done that morning, colored and cut.

Things between Cody and I seemed normal again too. I'm not sure if he still likes me, but we had a lot of fun, regardless, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around him. Hopefully things are still good between us today. I'm not sure how drunk he was, if he saw me and Kelby(getting to that part...) AND last I saw him he was hooking up hardcore with Jade, someone who is (technically) my friend I brought over, though I haven't talked to her for about a year and had no idea she was coming with George. It was good to see her, but it'll be interesting to see what happens between them.

So, Kelby. Kelby, Kelby, Kelby. I was over him, for the most part. Didn't check his facebook, didn't think about him much, though I admit, I was excited when I heard he was coming last night. He, apparently, had no idea I would be there and he told me it took him completely off guard. Obviously. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and we started dancing, and then we kissed. And IMMEDIATELY, I told him I would not and could not go through what we did before, I'm fine with having fun tonight, but in morning I would need to know what was going on. I was a relationship girl, and as much as I would love to hook up sometimes, no strings attached, it's just not how I'm wired. Which he said was a good thing.... And I told him I understand he's busy and doesn't want to date, so it's fine, but to just tell me. And you know what he said? "I could make time, for you." Among other things along those lines, like "Would you mind if I have to go back to Cottonwood (home for him) every other weekend to work?" He told me I'm busy too, and he told me how much he admires my grades and that I work and other amazing compliments.

We talked a lot, between kisses. About the Funk party, and the weekend he made me cry, and the first time we hooked up, and how much we'd missed each other. About how I was a virgin, and he wasn't, but that's not what he wanted. He definitely made it sound like he wanted a relationship. He was drunk, I was drunk, but like I've said, drunk Kelby is honest and not shy, which he admitted as well.

Then we made it back to my apartment. He stayed the night, and was completely affectionate all night, all morning, and it was....heaven. I couldnt sleep at all, I was thinking SO much. Every time I moved in bed, he moved with me, like he couldn't stand to not have his arms around me, even in his sleep.

Then he drove me back to my car. And it was weird, all of a sudden, saying goodbye. He drove back home today, to go back to work, and will be back for school in a week. He said he'd see/talk to me then, and kissed me, nicely, but nothing big, meaningful, or anything. I think I want to give him that week to think about things, and then it's ultimatum time. I will not go through this again, the not knowing, and the drunken confusion. I don't regret last night, and if that's all it is, then I think I'm okay with that. I just need to know, straight up, soon, if it's going anywhere. If not, I'll move on again.