Czesc!

So I'm learning Polish....and I LOVE it. I took a little Spanish and junior high, and had fun, but I never really got into it and had a passion for it. Maybe I'm loving polish so much because I know I'm going to use it, and I have a goal of being able to carry on at least some amont of conversation in polish when I get there next summer. I also love the girl who is teaching me, Kate. She's doing it for free, and even though she's a phD student with a very busy schedule, she puts a lot of though and work into our lessons. She's SO much fun too and we plan on being on Poland at the same time next summer, so then she can come visit me in Krakow (she lives a few hours north in Lublin).

It's a hard language though, and my mouth has difficulty wrapping itself around 3-4 consonants as a time. One phrase I love: Mam kota. It means one of two things: I have a cat, OR I am a shrink/psychologist. I find that hilarious. Another is Pa pa, or bye bye! One of the hardest that I am still trying to learn how to pronouce: Wszystko w porzadku, or Everything's fine.

Anyways, that's all for now. Na razie! Buziaki!(Bye! Kisses!)

Apart

I feel like I left a part of me back in Lagos this summer, and with no way to go back there, like I'll never get it back.

Sometimes I think Poland next summer, as much as I'm looking forward to it, and think I will love it, is also just a way to try and find that part of me.

Sometimes I feel just a little broken in two.

Not yet

I knew this year would be hard, being one of the select few not yet 21. Other than Darin, Ian and Shannon, all of my friends are 21. Which means I sit at home while they are at the bars. But I never knew how much it would suck until I actually experienced it. It's not that I need to drink all the time, or that I think the bars are "soooo cool" but it's really lonely to be at home at 10pm, the friday before school starts, with no one to hang out with.

Yep it's going to be a long 8 months.

Unemployed

I have no job right now. It's such a weird feeling, not to have something to do, somewhere to be. Of course that will all change with the beginning of school in a week. But I just....sit around a lot. Either my friends aren't in town, or the ones that are, I'm not really close enough to to bum around town with. We're the kind of friends who only hang out in groups, or organized events, you know? Scott, one of my good friends who is here, I see a bit, but I'm starting to think he might like me, even though he's definitely still getting over his last girlfriend. I just...don't want to see another friendship ruined because of it. Granted, I've stayed close with many guys who have liked me, ie, Adam, Ian, Luke. Tyler used to be on that list, but he stopped talking to me about a month ago. But Cody and I stopped hanging out/talking as much when he realized I really didn't like him that way/I started seeing Sam again. I guess I'll just act like I don't notice anything with Scott, and hope that we just stay good friends.

Anyways, back to the job deal, I'll be starting a new job (still childcare) in September sometime, but I'm just not sure when yet. My old daycare is closing, and so I (and Cate) will be helping out one of the families that went there by watching their one-year old son all day, and possibly their 3-yr old when he's done with preschool for the day. We haven't worked out quite all the details, but I'm excited. Until I'm "employed" (aka professional babysitter) I'm low on money and I hate asking my parents to spot me. I know they will, and I know they won't mind, but I like to be as self-sufficient as I can. I like earning money myself, having a job, taking care of myself. But it's hard sometimes, to balance it all with going to school full-time, especially because school does come first. But, luckily, it comes first with my parents too.

My Dad and stepfamily leave Idaho in a week, and I've got to say, it's been amazing having them here this last month. Partly because it's free food, and something to fill my time, but mostly because I"m not used to having family nearby. The couple who is living in their house in Deary when they aren't there is amazing as well. They rescue horses and have at least 10 out there right now, so I've been able to go horseback riding regularly, and they've told me I'm welcome anytime, even when my parents aren't here, even when they themselves aren't home, which is a huge compliment. Dock, a cop in Lewiston, keeps telling me I'm his new little sister and to think of him as family. His fiance is fun and sweet as well. We all have a lot in common, so even though they are 18-20 years older than me, I feel comfortable with them. I think instead of taking yoga classes, at least while the weather is still good, I'll spend money on driving out to Deary to go riding as much as possible. I can't believe I wasn't even around horses for 3 whole years. I had repressed jsut how much I LOVE it.

Hm. That's all for now. Till later.....

The Rise and Fall of Summer 2008

This summer has been full of change, life-changing experiences and opportunities and endings and beginnings. I've hardly been in Moscow, and I hardly ever am in the summer, but even more so this summer than ever before. My 6 weeks away in Lagos changed me irrevocably. I am always missing that place and those people, and even if I were to go back, someday, somehow, it will never be the same as it was. It's like I left right when I was starting to build a home there. I was building friendships and settling in to my job, and then I just had to leave. If it hadn't have been for moving out of my apartment back in Moscow, I would have stayed until the middle of July. I wish I had spent more time there these last 2 years and I plan to make up for that when my parents move to Poland. I plan to take ever more advantage of the opportunites presented to me by their profession. No more 2-3 week trips because that's all I think I can fit in - I really want to KNOW Krakow, be immersed in it. I want to learn Russian, at least a little, before next summer. I could learn Polish, but I can get by there with Russian and it'll be more useful to me, because it is more widely used. I want to spend at least 6 weeks there next summer, if not more. I want to work at the consulate again.

I started reading stories of Peace Corps volunteers today and it made me want to try and do that someday. The only thing I worry about is being sent to somewhere really remote and having my body/health fail me, as it often seems to do. Maybe I'll marry someone who would join with me - that, to me, seems like it would be even more incredible, to be able to share that with your spouse.

I also spent in week in Boston with my aunt and my mom. That was amazing because I don't really have a sense of a close extended family like some people, and my aunt (who's only 3 years older than me) has always been the one I'm closest to, but in the past few years, we've hardly had any chances to really see each other and find out who we are - now that we are not longer childhood playmates. But we spent a week together, our own hotel room, hooking uo with my mom for part of the day, but mostly just exploring by ourselves. I hope I get to do something like taht with her every year.

And then I'm still learning about my relationships. With Sam, with friends. WHo I want to be, and who I want to be with nd around - those concepts are forever evolving. I no longer believe Sam is who I'll be with forever. But I also do not see an end for us anytime soon. We are happy, he's a part of me, he's family and until there is some strong reason that I should not be with him , like serious problems with our relationship, or someone else that I fall for, I don't see any reason to not continue being happy with him. But I just know I am not passionate enough about him to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to say "yes yes a thousand times yes" to the person who proposes to me, not "yeah, sure, okay." I just hope I do not have to end up breaking his heart again. That when the end to us comes, we both see the need for it. I hope.

And then there's my job. My job which I LOVE, which has fit me perfectly and made me so thankful. Chances are, 95% sure, that the daycare will no longer exist by the end of summer, due to changes within the family. I have a couple of ideas for jobs next year, none as good as the one I have now, but ones that I will be happy with. Hopefully the one I want most will pan out, which would be taking care of the 1 year old at the daycare right now, at his home, and doing some housework as well for the family. But I have to present my idea to the parents first, and see if that's even close to something they want. Otherwise, I'll start applying to other daycares in town.

3 more weeks of summer. Who knows what will happen.

It's been a long while

So I went to Africa for 5 weeks. Changed me indescribably. Now I don't know what I want with Sam at all. I miss the place, the people, everything there. I didn't want to come home. I've only been home for about a week and it's just so....different. I miss my friends, but most everyone is out of town. I don't feel the same about Sam as wehn I left. I left in love and now....I don't know. I don't know what it is about that place, but the last time I went, I came back and broke up with him. I didn't even miss him while I was gone.

I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but now I"m not okay with that. I dont' feel passionate about him, and I'mnot okay giving up passion at 20. I'm sure after awhile I'll probably fall back to close to how it used to be, but I don't know....I know it could be so much more than it is, on my part. On his part, I am his world, his life, and his love. Which makes my decision that much harder. I'm trying nto to rush it, trying to just sit tight and see how it goes. Trying not to do anything rash. Trying.

This is quite the contrast with the last few posts of mine. But that's me, always changing.

Growing up

I saw Nate today, had lunch with him, had a wonderful time, clicked like we always did....

And I had no feelings for him.
No desire to kiss him.
No physical attraction.
No wonderings of what may have been if I were only 6 years older, or if we'd had better timing.

For those of you who have been around for the complete Nate saga, from eighth grade until....last semester, you can appreciate how utterly amazing this is.

It feels good.

Commitment

Two weeks after Sam and I started dating again, I was sitting at home, on a Saturday night, watching Waitress. Sam was out of town and I had no car, so it was just a night for me. By the way, I love that movie. It made me very hungry for pie. But for some reason, I had this epiphany as well while watching it. This overwhelming feeling that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sam. I KNEW somehow, that I wanted to marry him, have kids with him, and that I was okay, like I never was before we broke up last semester, with being done with dating. I was okay with never kissing another man, never having sex with anyone but him, never being involved with anyone but him. And yes, I did lose my virginity, a week later.

I still feel that way, though I try not to think about it much, or plan or daydream, just because we are young and we have plenty of time to do so. I'm in no rush; I just feel like I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's a little scary sometimes, to know, but comforting as well.

Just something I wanted to share.

Rant

I'm grumpy and I need somewhere to complain. So here goes

I hate not having a car, especially when the weather sucks so much. Otherwise I would walk more, and I wouldn't feel so helpless and homebound. I hate asking people for rides. I hate that I'm too scared/proud to take the bus. Sam was driving me everywhere, but he left yesterday for Cali and won't be back till Monday. I hate feeling helpless and I hate depending on him so much even more. Especially since we just got back together. I feel like I'm using him, and I don't deserve to. I try apoligizing to him about needing so many rides and he acts almost offended that I am. I hate that my car hasn't even been looked at, so I don't know if I need to start looking for a new car, or if its fixable. I hate insurance agencies and red tape and the guy I hit who was fine, but for some reason went to the doctor this week, and now our insurance has to check out what was wrong. But of course, they can't tell us anything. I hate not having enough time or energy to do all the things I want to, I hate quitting, and feeling people's disappointment. I told my professor I TA for I wouldn't be able to do it next year, for her, or for another professor, and she just said "we'll talk about it later." But if I want to graduate on time, take on an officer position in Psi Chi, start doing Moscow Mentors, take 18 credits, and work part time, I just can't, no matter how much I want to. I hate awkward phone conversations and long pauses and just not clicking. I hate being sick and not being able to breathe right or talk normally or eat without without feeling nauseus and coughing every few seconds. I hate that he hasn't told his parents about me yet. I hate the thought of them not liking me anymore. I hate the girl he was dating before me, and I hate that I dislike her so much, because she did nothing wrong, and I hate being jealous and possessive (though I think he kind of likes it) because I just feel physically sick to my stomach when I see her or hear about her. And it seems like she's everywhere. I hate that it took her for me to realize I had feelings for him. I hate that I already said "I love you." but then again aren't the best "I love you"s the ones the come out without even having to think about it? I hate feeling guilty for breaking up with him in the first place, because it was the best thing I could have done for me and we are so much better together now. I hate being scared of sex. I want it, then I'm afraid to want it. I don't want to know if he had sex with someone after we broke up, and yet I'm afraid to not know. I hate that my cat spilled aromatherapy oil all over my expensive dresser and stripped the varnish off, I hate that my cockroach for my Insects and Human Health class died -- how hard is it to keep a cockroach alive, really? And most of all, I hate how much hate I'm feeling today.

A New Beginning

Sam and I are giving it a try again.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm all the emotions you can think of rolled up into one.

I hadn't told many people I had started thinking about him again, mostly because it was hard to admit to myself. And it only started a couple of weeks ago, and REALLY started last week when I heard he was dating someone else and it hit me HARD. I never thought that it would. I missed one of my best friends. I missed someone who had become family. But I couldn't decide if these feelings went beyond friendship. Of course, I thought I had as long as I needed to figure it out.

Then I saw him at a party last night. It was a "classy" themed party so I was dressed to the nines, which was a blast. Anyways, I had been wanting to get coffee with Sam for awhile but he'd always reply with "I'm busy, what do you want to talk about." Like I couldnt' just want to see him, for that reason alone. So I said hi to him last night, and was like, so when can we get coffee? He replies, looking me directly in the eye and says "Why?" I'm puzzled, because I think it's obvious -- to catch up, and tell him so. He asks again, "Why?" And then with "You cut me out of your life." I'm flabbergasted and tell him I didn't cut him out of my life, I still want to be friends. And he says, "Tough luck." with this hard edge to his voice. And I start welling up with tears, because I've never heard him be so mean. So I go downstairs and he follows. I tell him I miss him, but I don't know if it's as friends, or more, but I can't live with myself if I hurt him again. He says he still loves me and would take me back and that he was the best person he ever was with me. And then he kisses me.

Which is when I tell him we can't talk about this tonight, when he's been drinking, and I've started drinking and I want to have fun tonight. I asked him how drunk he was, and he told me he wasn't, and then I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he said it wasn't anything serious.
We went back upstairs and he left soon after, making me promise to call him in the morning. I went on to have an absolutely wonderful night with my friends, which was what I needed.

So today I'm overwhelmed with the prospect of having to make a decision. Do I want to be with Sam? Is it worth trying? Am I ready to be back in a serious reltionship? AM I done with flirting and playing the field? Are my feelings strong enough?Am I physically attracted to him again?

Finally I call him and it turns out he remembers NOTHING from the night before, and I have to tell him. Then he comes over to talk. And I go through everything I'm thinking. I'm thinking I have feelings for him, but I feel like I can't get involved with him unless I'm in it for the long haul, but there's no way of knowing if I am. I feel like I can't stand hurting him again, but if we were to start dating, I'm not positive I wouldn't hurt him. I tell him I'm not really ready to be back in a serious reltionship. And what he says in response changed my mind completely.

He says it's okay if it doesn't work out this time. It's okay if I end up breaking up with him again, because at least he wouldn't spend the rest of his life wondering "what if?" He says it's all worth it, just to see if we could work. He says we don't have to be in serious reltionship, and we can take it easy. He says he won't blame me of leading him on if I change my mind.

And that, right there, I couldn't say no to. Because I don't want to wonder "what if?" either. Because he took a weight off my shoulders and I no longer am responsible if this fails. Because at least I tried. Because I desperately want my best friend back. Because I loved kissing him. Because I can imagine having sex with him. Because being with him is so easy, and I don't mean convenient, but I don't have to work at it. He already knows me, inside and out. And yet, it's exciting because we've both changed and theres new sides to each of us to get to know.

I am scared how this is going to affect my friendships. And I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. Our friends have become MY friends, and I'm hoping the two can mesh together again. I'm scared that some of his frat brothers hate me, because all they know me as is the girl who broke his heart. I know some of them still like me, because they were very friendly last night at the party, so that's good.

And I'm scared I'm making a mistake and I just don't know it yet. But all I can do is take it a day at time and listen to what my heart tells me. It may not work out. But, yet again, it may be the most amazing decision I've ever made.

I jumped. It's not something I do often. I'm not impulsive, spontaneous. But I felt I just had to jump. Take a leap of faith. Because I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd passed up on a great second chance.

Opportunities and Decisions

So I was planning on going to Nigeria for about three weeks this summer - and to be back in time to go to the Idaho Youth Summit on staff, because I missed it last year (my brother's wedding was the same week) and it's such an important experience and place for me. I believe in what that camp does and says and its really what I want to do with the rest of my life -- work with drug prevention programs for teens. At the same time, I've been a little nervous about missing a year. There will be a lot of new people I don't know, and I wasn't too fond of the new people we got a couple of years ago, and every year, things change. Idaho Drug Free Youth is always growing, morphing, improving, which is great, but sometimes it's hard to jump back in, because all your good memories are tied to the way things "used to be." Plus, I'd get back from Nigeria, be home for about 3 days, then go to camp, which is physically, and emotionally and mentally exhausting. Add jet lag, not being home for 3, 3.5 weeks, and I knew it was going to be tough, but I wanted to do it.

Then today, my stepmom in Nigeria sent this email to me:

If you are at all interested, the head of the Public Diplomacy Section wants you to be their Summer hire. I let him read your paper and he wants you badly! You would work with the unit that handles press and college student. Counseling Nigerian students about colleges and maybe some out of Lagos trips. It would only pay minimum wage, but it would be interesting and probably beneficial to the resume. At this time it could only happen if you were willing to be here at least 4 weeks, so it would mean a choice for you. I am supposed to ask/plead and get a response by next week. They have to do the work of applying for you, and if they can't have you, they don't want anyone! Think about it and let us know. This would not be the assistant secretary type of job most summer hire students get. They would create a special description to use your skills. See, you shine even from so far away. Love you! P and D

WOW. What an opportunity right? But it'd mean I'd miss camp. And be gone for over a month. But it just sounds AMAZING. Plus, I'd get to REALLY be with my Dad and stepmom for more than just a visit, it'd be more like living with them, something I haven't done since I was 13-14.

Choices, choices, choices.

Questions

Why? Why, why, why?

I was okay that Kelby hadn't called. I had accepted it. In fact, I didn't even want to call him, for it would just drag it on even longer, and I was okay with it being done.

Then on Friday I get a message on Facebook, not only apologizing for New Year's (not sure why) but also asking me when I could meet him next (this) week, because he was gone this weekend, and would be every other weekend for the rest of the semester (again, why do I need to know this, unless for some reason him being gone every other weekend would affect me, but for it to affect me, we'd have to be dating....ugh WHY?).

So I write him, letting him know when I was free Monday and Tuesday of this week, and told him to let me know what worked for him.

Nothing. No message back (but he's been on Facebook). No phone call. No email.

Damnit why? I was done. I was okay. Now it's not done and I am NOT okay with being ignored, especially when he was the one to ASK to see me.

I just want to get it over with, so I can move on. I doubt he wants to date. and when I first got the message, I thought, well at least he learned something from last time and is trying to make things right with us. But now he's just making things worse.

A poet

For lack of anything else to do tonight, I've been writing, writing, writing. It's been a long time since I've written this much, and it feels good, so at least a night of loneliness produced something.

Thanks Jenelle, for talking to me, too. It meant a lot, and helped a lot. I miss you.

Naked
exposed I suppose, but the word seems so cliché.
Naked
and yet no one is noticing, caring, contemplating.
Naked
because of the absence of response.
Naked
emotions etch themselves upon my skin, but they remain ignored.
Naked
and no need to cover up.


Naked and beautiful.
A foreign concept,
a language I never thought I would understand.
To move in my own skin, and not feel awkward or
ashamed of what was given at birth, and gained since
is joy.
“I’d like to be” is forgotten
Shame, likewise, is scarce to be found.
My skin smiles at the thought of being uncovered
and the art of my angles suddenly becomes clear.


I’m lost in the seams
of history, and the pages of my memory just keep on turning
Unbidden, a wind keeps on flipping through a picture book
of you.
And I just stand still, wondering why the people around me
move so fast.
Don’t they see me?
On top of a building, teetering
please catch me.
I never want to see you again
if I only see you
you don’t see me.

Lonely

Some days I just feel absolutely fed up with my friends. When I actually think I'm part of the group and accepted, something happens, and I feel like I'm the newcomer again, sitting on the outside looking in.

I don't get it.

I hate feeling this way. Insecure. Unwanted. Ignored. And without a clear reason. Is it because of things with Kelby, or Cody, that they don't want me around? Or is it really as simple as they forgot about me, which is probably closer to the truth. Most likely there's no grand scheme to not include me. I just get overlooked. Which is really just as bad. No one wants to be forgettable. No one wants to be the person who's ALWAYS calling to see what's going on.

I just hate being so lonely.

Sitting Waiting Wishing

I play his hypthetical rejection in my head over and over, so it will be familiar the day it actually happens. Every day I do not hear from him tells me it is just like last time, and I was a fool to hope it would be different. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it. I've learned something each time with Kelby, and that is something I do not want to lose.

I wrote this the day after. I do not feel this angry, or this hurt, but I was feeling creative, which I haven't for a long time.

Intertwined inexplicably,
Ravished words spoken heartlessly
Float on a tidal of bitter alcohol.
Messes of body parts and clothes
Slide against each other as broken pieces of glass.
Drawing invisible cuts not to be seen until
The morning after. Each kiss, so soft
In memory, but to the eye,
Bruises are the only remnant
On a naked neck.

Friends, drinking and kissing

I don't know if I should feel stupid about last night or not. I think I'll have to wait and see what happens (or doesn't happen) in the future.

All in all, it was an amazing New Years. I not only got to party with my college friends, but with some of my best high school friends, at the same party. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I hope everyone else did as well.

The night went really well, for me. I drank a lot, but not too much, I had fun, I danced, I was talking to Kelby as a friend, and it wasn't awkward, and it was the first time we'd hung out since the weekend before Halloween. The first thing he said to me is that he loved my hair. I swear his jaw dropped a little. It helped that I had had my hair done that morning, colored and cut.

Things between Cody and I seemed normal again too. I'm not sure if he still likes me, but we had a lot of fun, regardless, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around him. Hopefully things are still good between us today. I'm not sure how drunk he was, if he saw me and Kelby(getting to that part...) AND last I saw him he was hooking up hardcore with Jade, someone who is (technically) my friend I brought over, though I haven't talked to her for about a year and had no idea she was coming with George. It was good to see her, but it'll be interesting to see what happens between them.

So, Kelby. Kelby, Kelby, Kelby. I was over him, for the most part. Didn't check his facebook, didn't think about him much, though I admit, I was excited when I heard he was coming last night. He, apparently, had no idea I would be there and he told me it took him completely off guard. Obviously. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and we started dancing, and then we kissed. And IMMEDIATELY, I told him I would not and could not go through what we did before, I'm fine with having fun tonight, but in morning I would need to know what was going on. I was a relationship girl, and as much as I would love to hook up sometimes, no strings attached, it's just not how I'm wired. Which he said was a good thing.... And I told him I understand he's busy and doesn't want to date, so it's fine, but to just tell me. And you know what he said? "I could make time, for you." Among other things along those lines, like "Would you mind if I have to go back to Cottonwood (home for him) every other weekend to work?" He told me I'm busy too, and he told me how much he admires my grades and that I work and other amazing compliments.

We talked a lot, between kisses. About the Funk party, and the weekend he made me cry, and the first time we hooked up, and how much we'd missed each other. About how I was a virgin, and he wasn't, but that's not what he wanted. He definitely made it sound like he wanted a relationship. He was drunk, I was drunk, but like I've said, drunk Kelby is honest and not shy, which he admitted as well.

Then we made it back to my apartment. He stayed the night, and was completely affectionate all night, all morning, and it was....heaven. I couldnt sleep at all, I was thinking SO much. Every time I moved in bed, he moved with me, like he couldn't stand to not have his arms around me, even in his sleep.

Then he drove me back to my car. And it was weird, all of a sudden, saying goodbye. He drove back home today, to go back to work, and will be back for school in a week. He said he'd see/talk to me then, and kissed me, nicely, but nothing big, meaningful, or anything. I think I want to give him that week to think about things, and then it's ultimatum time. I will not go through this again, the not knowing, and the drunken confusion. I don't regret last night, and if that's all it is, then I think I'm okay with that. I just need to know, straight up, soon, if it's going anywhere. If not, I'll move on again.