It is amazing how fast Kayleigh and I fell back into our friendship. I guess that's what happens when you were friends for 11 years, despite the fact we took 3 and a half years off. The first half hour was a little awkward, but after that, it was easy. I guess I should have known it would be, because we did a similar thing in 7th grade. We didn't talk for a year, and then, all of a sudden we were at Ren fair, hanging out for the first time, and it was like nothing ever happened.
We even went to Walmart together like we used to all the time in 9th and 10th grade. We already have plans for later on this week and it's just nice to be around someone who knows my history back to when I was 5 years old. Granted we have some catching up to do about the last two years of high school and our first year of college, but I'm excited about it. I'm excited to get to know her all over again.
It's just....so nice to have her back.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Mistakes
So I'm finally done with the semester, which is amazing. I have so much free time, and I don't know what to do with myself!! I could be productive, and clean out my closet, or do laundry or a million other little things, but for now, I'm going to put them off.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I had my last final (yay!) but was not invited to celebrate with some of my friends like we had talked about in the afternoon. I left a message but never got a call back. The one girl, Katy, who did call me back was in Lewiston for the day. So I sat around my apartment doing nothing. When I joined up with other friends last night, those girls were all passed out from drinking so much in the afternoon, so I guess in that respect it's good I didn't drink with them, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the party. But still, a phone call would have been nice. One of my biggest pet peeves, when people either don't call you back when they say they will, or make plans with you and never follow through. Like you aren't important enough.
But whatever, I was determined to have a good time. And I did for the greater deal of the night.
A low came when I managed to elicit one of the nastiest looks from Katy. I was determined to call Aaron last night and see him, so I sent him a text message, asking him what he was up to for the night. Turns out the number he called me from on Halloween was actually his friend Tyler's. Once Tyler and I figure who the other person is, he offers me Aaron's number. Then I run into Katy, so I tell her, thinking she'll find it funny, since she's the one who gave Aaron my number on Halloween. First she says "He's a bit advanced, do you know what you're getting into?" But when I asked her to elaborate, because I didn't, and still don't know what she meant by that, she wouldn't answer. Then, and this is where the nasty look comes in, she says "I just don't hook up with people my friends have hooked up with." Like she's all high and mighty, and I'm committing some henious crime for wanting to text the guy. I ask who he's dated that I know, and she tells me he didn't date anyone, but he and Vanessa hooked up some. I'd heard vague rumors to this effect before, and while I understood none of Vanessa's close friends would ever hook up with him or date him, I don't know Vanessa well, she no longer goes to the UI, and I wasn't around for said hooking up. So I felt no obligation to do the same.
I ended up texting him anyways, screw Katy. We were friendly the rest of the night, which was good, but I'm not going to let her opinion shape how I act in this. We texted for awhile; he was at home in Boise, so obviously couldn't come party with us, and the last text I sent (while I was thoroughly trashed) asked him if he wanted to hang out over break. Never got a reply. I'm trying not to care, because, at least this way, I know I tried. And I'll never wonder "what if?"
Ended up trekking to my friend Ashley's apartment to stay the night and this morning she had to go to work and so I hung out with her roommate, which was a lot of fun and we have plans to hang out later this week, which I'm stoked about. Sadly, no one had a car there, so I had no way to get home. Sam and I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to hang out the past week, and since I had nothing going on today, I thought we could get lunch AND I'd solve my problem of not being able to get home. I had no one else to call for a ride, Cate was out of town, I need to call Kayliegh today, but I didn't want the first time we hang out in 3.5 years to be her giving me a ride home, and I didnt want to bother any of the girls who couldn't be bothered to hang out with me yesterday. So I text Sam, and he wants to get lunch, until he finds out I need a ride. He still came and picked me up but he was pissed as all hell, and was wearing sunglasses so I wouldn't see him crying. Of course I could still hear him. He said he felt used and hadn't believed I had actually wanted to get lunch. Then he asked me "Why do you call me, ever? Why? I have no idea why you call." Which to me was a strange question, I thought he knew I still wanted to be friends and me calling to hang out didn't seem weird, because he also called me to see if we could hang out. But it was as if he thought I hated him.
He said being aorund me takes a lot out of him, which I understand, but that he believes me I did actually want to hang out with him today and he'll try calling me tomorrow to get lunch. We'll see, tomororw, if he actually does.
I just don't know what to do. Ignoring him and cutting him out of my life doesn't seem like an answer. I don't want to do that. And when I've had my heart broken, I know that was the last thing I wanted. But seeing me hurts him so much. I hurt him, and I continually hurt him more every time I see him. It isn't getting easier, it's getting worse with time. I think because at the beginning, he didn't really believe it was over. He thought he could win me back. It was just a phase, a break. Now he knows it's not, and it stings all over again.
Like I said, it's been highs and lows. I made new friends, but I'm becoming disconnected and hurt by others. I had a blast partying, but this morning with Sam sucked.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Dating catastrophe!
I was taken out on a date tonight. With someone I would rather not have gone on a date with. I've known he liked me for about two months (he told me at a party, but I told him I didn't have feelings for him and we went on being good friends), and I kind of considered it when we were in Canada over break, usually while I was drinking :P but I was good and didn't do anything I would've regretted -- I don't even flirt; I'm very careful not to, even though I normally do with my guy friends that I'm comfortable around. Hopefully you know what I mean, there's the flirting you do with guys you like and the "flirting" you do with guys you're just friends with, which pretty much just means joking around with them, giving them hugs --> there isn't really a personal bubble that you don't cross into. Like today, I ran into my friend Paul, who I love and gave him a hug and bumped shoulders with him while we were joking around...those kinds of things. I just don't do that with Cody, because I don't want to give the wrong idea, and I've just never felt comfortable like that around him, though I do feel very comfortable talking to him.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
The only time I even crossed into his personal bubble was when we were all extremely drunk, waiting for a taxi in downtown Banff, and it was, I'm guessing, about 0 degrees outside (it was 9 degrees during the day, so who knows how cold it got at night), and I huddled against him for warmth and then he carried me to my bed when I fell asleep on the couch. Which, I admit, just shows what a nice, sweet guy he is.
That's the thing. He's an amazing guy. Nice, smart, funny, tall, pretty cute. But I don't have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. I tried, in Canada, but I just couldn't conjure them up. PLUS the thought of opening myself up to a new boyfriend, in general, terrifies me, but I'd be willing to if I found someone I was head over heels for. But for someone I'm so so about, no way.
ANYWAYS, back to the story, he called yesterday while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I found myself saying yes before I even knew what I was doing. And for the next hour or so, I just felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything else, it's the last thing I need and the thought of hurting yet another guy ( I still can't deal with seeing Sam broken over me) just kills me.
So we went out to dinner. I offered to meet up, instead of him picking me up, but he said he'd pick me up. I didn't want to argue. I offered to split the cost of dinner. Again a no and I didn't feel like arguing. When he dropped me off, I pretty much ran out of his truck as fast as I could, while still being polite. No hug = no chance for trying to kiss me.
I feel like a coward for not just saying "we're just friends" but I couldn't bring myself to, unless he brought it up. It's not like we didn't have fun, I LOVE hanging out with him -- as a friend. So I guess I'll just wait until he either asks me out again, or asks me if I like him, and then I'll tell him the truth. I have to.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Out of control
I don't even know what's wrong, but I am sobbing my eyes out.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
I went to dinner with Sam, we hadn't seen much of each other for last month, and it was just weird. It' s like it gets harder the more time goes by, instead of easier. Or maybe it was because it'd been a long time since we'd seen each other, I don't know. Maybe because there's so much we cannot talk about in front of each other. But he just looks so broken, not every second, but it flickers across his face, and I know there's something he's not saying. Sometimes I ask, and of course he refuses to tell me. And he always asks me if I'm "really doing okay" like for some reason I shouldn't be doing okay. Like he sees something I don't.
Like when I started talking about how i don't see Katy and Patti and Rachel as often. It's something that REALLY bothers me when they don't call me back or invite me to things, but it's also something I'm trying really hard to not let bother me. I know there are usually reasons for why they don't, but it just makes me feel slighted anyways. And he gets this look, like he knows something, but won't tell me. Finally in the car, after I ask again (damn curiousity), he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "It's about you." That's all I get.
So I'm driving him back to his car at my place, and the rest of the way I'm fighting back tears, because I can't stand that he's so sad, and that it's my doing. Then we get out of the car to say goodbye, and he says "I hope I run into you again when you're not drinking." Because he does tend to run into me at parties, but for some reason I take it as he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever, but he explains he just meant we should do dinner again sometime. Then he calls me a dumb blonde, which he meant as a joke, but it stung. Then I tell him about when I ran into Virgil, who told me I was going to working the street corners now that I'm blonde, and he doesn't even laugh about it with me, just looks at me seriously and says "I know, Virgil told me."
I just feel like I'm being judged by him so much. Like he sees me as a completely different person, and I'm not sure if he likes it. Granted, I am different in a lot of ways, but I'm still me. I still have the same morals, I'm not some drunken whore with no friends. I just hate that look he gives me, like he KNOWS things I've been doing, or has this bad impression of what i've been doing (because I haven't been doing anything bad). I get the feeling he thinks I'm not OK and I'm hiding it behind drinking.
And maybe I'm just reading into it all way too much. I don't know, but I do know I hate this feeling. I'm so damn tired today, I can't deal with this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Running out of time
So overwhelmed this week, so completely overwhelmed. Of course it's my doing. I looked at my school schedule and thought I had all this free time, so I made lots of plans with friends, and then turns out, don't have so much time.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
NEED
MORE
TIME.
At least next week's break. Just as busy, but only with FUN stuff! And maybe some homework.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Passion
I want to feel passionate towards someone again.
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
It's a big part of why I knew I had fallen out of love. I no longer wanted to kiss him, be intimate. For awhile I thought it was my birth control, which can cause sexual desire to decrease, but Kelby proved that theory wrong. That's part of why it was so hard to move on from him -- it was the first time in a long time I'd felt passionate with a guy. He was also the first guy I ever did a lot of things with (not sex, that is still to come. I'm ready for it, just haven't found the right guy yet) other than Sam, and they were so completely different with him than with Sam. I wasn't shy, or uncomfortable in my own skin, or grossed out by being all sweaty next to someone else, all new things for me. I felt 100% comfortable, I even had thought that if we had started dating, I would have lost my virginity to him. Good thing I didn't, because I really would have been an even bigger mess after all the bad shit that went down between us. (On a side note, did I mention he was the first one to start up a conversation between us, after I hadn't seen him for two weeks after our "talk"? It was nice, and mature of him. He reached across 3-4 people standing between us to poke me so he could talk to me. I was impressed.)
But back to sex. :P Sex and all things related, beyond kissing, have always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why, but I'm beginning to come to terms with them, and it's liberating. At the same time, knowing that I'm more comfortable with myself and not having a guy around to express that with, is hard, and I'm trying not to rush into anything just because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny again.
But I sure am curious about sex. Guess I'll just have to wait a bit longer....
Sunday, October 28, 2007
:)
Finally, a good weekend. I kept saying "the next one will be good, the next one." Well finally it happened. In fact, no one had drama, everyone had a good time, no alcohol poisoning, no cops busting up the party, nothing. The party was packed, and so much fun. I drank a lot, but I remember everything, didn't get sick, had a hangover for a couple hours this morning, but feel fine now.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
James didn't come up. It was 10:30 and I still hadn't heard from him, so I called and he said he wrote a message on facebook telling me he couldn't make it (which I didn't get, so either he made that up, or it just didn't go through. I'd like to believe the latter), which is why he didn't call. Said his ride bailed on him and he couldn't find anyone else to drive him up, but that he had been looking forward to seeing me and really still wanted to see me some other time. Again, I want to believe him and believe he's a good guy, because that's just who I am. Innocent until proven guilty. And the accent helps. It just made me melt. So, I figure if he really wants to see him, he knows how to get in touch with me and it's up to him. And if he doesn't, that's okay too.
I spent a lot of the night with Aaron, his friend Tyler and my friend Chelsea, which was a ton of fun. Aaron is HOT, and super tall ( I was wearing heels and he was still much taller than me!) and fun, though he does smoke, his only downfall thus far. We talked, drank, hung out, danced. And he asked Katy for my number after I left and called me last night, then walked over to Katy, Patti, Sami and Rachel's house where I was, but I was just leaving with Shayne (who gave me a ride home, thank goodness because there were a million people staying the night at that house, so I wouldn't have had anywhere to sleep) so I gave him a hug and ran off. We'll see if he calls again when he's not extremely drunk. Again, not too worried about it either way.
I got to talk to my Dad about 5 minutes yesterday, but we both had to go (he's in Missouri right now for the funeral) an dI told him to call me in the evening so I could talk to him more and talk to my stepmom and stepsister, but he didn't call. My brother AND my mom called, but he didn't. He better call today, or else I'll be pissed.
So the rest of my day will be filled with homework, hanging out with Cate, homework, and going out to dinner for Vanessa's birthday.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Homework Avoidance
I should be doing homework right now, but that's a phrase I say a lot and everything also manages to get done.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
I found out today James (for those who have forgotten, Scottish guy from the plane) is going to come up this weekend for my friends' HUGE Halloween/5 friends' birthdays party, with a couple of his friends. He came off as a little creepy at first online, but I'm getting the impression he's a nice guy. We'll find out this weekend. :D I'm trying to stay neutral and just see what happens, and nothing needs to, but man, when you've got a hot guy with an accent, it's hard to not let your thoughts wander.
Obviously, I decided to stay in town this weekend instead of attending my Grandmother's funeral. But once I explained Kelby and being stressed about having quite a few bad weekends in a row, and not seeing my friends in a few weeks and having a meeting and not wanting to miss school or work on Monday to my mom, she told me if I had decided to go with her to the funeral, she would have tried to talk me out of it. That's the beauty of having a mom who's a psychologist -- she understands the need to take care of yourself, sometimes before other obligations. So while I will miss being there to attend the funeral, and to see my Dad and my brother, I think it's best for me to stay. I don't like funerals, and I am grieving in my own way. I would rather remember her as she was the last time I saw her. And I sleep with quilts she made every night.
Other than that, just SUPER busy with school, and work and trying to get everything done to get my Child Care Licensce with the City (which I should have had BEFORE I started working with Debbie) I'll have a bit of it done by tomrorow morning, and I can turn in the first part of the forms. Then I just need to get my CPR certification, First Aid certification, four hours of child care development classes, and 2 letters of recommendation. Today I got fingerprinted at the police station! exciting....
Alright, back to reading my Social Psych book and Who Rules America for my sociology class.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Priorities
I don't know what mine are right now. I found out a little bit ago that my grandmother passed away this weekend -- peacefully, of old age, in her sleep -- and that the funeral is this weekend. My dad is flying in from Nigeria and my mom (although she is not my grandmother's daughter, but her ex-daughter in-law, my mom was very close with her, called her Mom, and spoke with her every month) is thinking about flying to the funeral, though I think her only worry is that she won't be welcome by my Dad's family. I asked if I could go, if I wanted to and she of course said yes, but I haven't decided if I want to go yet. I have to give her an answer by tomorrow.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
The problem is, and these are very selfish reasons, 6 of my friends' birthdays are this weekend, there's a huge halloween party that I've been looking forward to for months and I don't want to miss halloween either, and I haven't seen just about any of my friends for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. I was also DYING for a drama free fun weekend. I also have a lot of homework to do this weekend, on the computer, and I don't have a laptop, so i can't do it while away. (solution: I do it this week. I know, I'm selfish) And it'd cost my mom a lot of money to pay for tickets this late. And that's not even a very good reason, because I know she will, in a heartbeat.
BUT if I went, I would be at the funeral of the only grandparent I ever felt slightly close to. And I'd see my Dad and be able to comfort my Mom.
Family vs. Fun
I feel horrible for not wanting to go. I should go. I am sad she passed away, but I've also been expecting it for awhile. She was in her late eighties. She was an amazing woman. She was my last grandparent alive, as well.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Not awake
I can't stop sleeping. All the time. 8 hours a night, and then I want a nap. Sometimes only a couple of hours after waking up.
It worries me a little, usually I sleep a lot when I get depressed. But I don't feel that down. The only other explanation I can think of is that since I started my new job, I don't see a large majority of my friends as often (used to have lunch with them all after class, but now I head straight to work), and most of them went out of town this weekend. I have so much energy when I'm around them, it's incredible, and I love it. So hopefully this sleep thing goes away once I have more of a social life, instead of laying around my apartment doing homework and watching Friends for hours and hours and hours.
I think I'm going to shower and head to the Commons to do homework, just for a change of scenery. :)
It worries me a little, usually I sleep a lot when I get depressed. But I don't feel that down. The only other explanation I can think of is that since I started my new job, I don't see a large majority of my friends as often (used to have lunch with them all after class, but now I head straight to work), and most of them went out of town this weekend. I have so much energy when I'm around them, it's incredible, and I love it. So hopefully this sleep thing goes away once I have more of a social life, instead of laying around my apartment doing homework and watching Friends for hours and hours and hours.
I think I'm going to shower and head to the Commons to do homework, just for a change of scenery. :)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
It's raining on the inside.
I am worn out, worn thin, worn through. I feel hollow. Last night did me in.
I had an amazing Friday night, a little drinking, but not too much, lots of fun, laughs, craziness and friends. Kelby was there, but it wasn't a big deal; mostly like nothing had ever happened between us. Which I prefer, to being ignored, or having him walk on eggshells around me.
Saturday morning I did the farmer's market with Rachel and her sister Debbie, who flew in for the weekend, watched the homecoming parade and then got my hair done. (SO cute, more blonde and bangs!) then walked to their house to tailgate the game. Downed about 4 shots, and then had two more at the game. Drunk flirted with a friend the whole time and had a blast. Left at halftime, went home for a nap around 5 and then (hungover) drove back over to the house. Started drinking again around 8:30, Kelby was around, but we left to go to a party and he stayed behind. Party was lame, hit up about 3 different lame places befor just heading back to the house. Ian was having people over playing beer pong at our apartment, which I hate being around there for, so even though I wasn't drunk (only had one bottle of arbor mist) I was staying at Rachel's house. Even though the party scene was a bust, I'd had a great day and a really good night. Kelby was still there and had been drinking straight since noon and was absolutely trashed. He started hitting on Patti's friend Sam (who's engaged and getting married next month, but she was trashed too) and putting his arm around her and grabbing her hand, doing exactly what he did with me when he was drunk before. I couldn't handle it, but I had no where else to go. He then starts whispering to Patti, and she comes over and tells me he said to her "I'm sorry I broke Kristin's heart." I tell her he should tell me that to my face, start crying, because I'm just SO tired of it all and can't be strong anymore, and run downstairs. Which is VERY unlike me. Save the crying for the bathroom, then come out as if everythings fine, is my motto. Rachel calms me down, I go back upstairs and Katy takes Kelby and Sam to Winco, and Patti tells me he wants to talk to me when he gets back.
For awhile after he gets back we just ignore each other and I try to not look at him. Then, he comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and tried to feed me a white chocolate covered pretzel. I immediately pulled his arm off me, and told him "Please don't." And try not to start crying again. A few minutes later he comes back, puts his arm around me again and asks if I have a minute and leads me outside.
Then we have the "talk." First he starts hugging me and saying he's sorry and I keep pulling away, but he keeps pulling me back, I don't hug him back but keep my arms crossed. There's no way he's getting off the hook. He asks me what I remember from last weekend, which isn't much and he tells me I forgot the most important part, but refuses to tell me what it is, and keeps trying to feed me more preztels and avoid the subject. FInally I just snap at him "Kelby, I'm sick of not knowing, be straight with me and tell me. I don't remember and it's freaking me out." He says we agreed to just be friends and not hook up anymore. Which I kinda figured that was what was said. Part of me wonders if there's more he didn't tell me though. We talk awhile longer about how he should have called and shouldn't have ignored me and just told me when he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship or hook up anymore and I told him "I can handle rejection. It's fine if you don't want to be with me, I just needed to know so I could move on." He explains how he's barely getting by with school and the Air Force and ASUI senate and everything and he can't handle a relationship and he's sorry for not telling me before. He says he realized it wasn't gonig anywhere with us, even though it's fun to have someone to kiss when you're drunk, and he wishes he were in a place in his life to be with someone, but he's not. He also said he's been with enough confused girls, and that maybe he was getting a taste of his own medicine, being the "confused boy" this time.
More was said, but that was most of the important stuff. A big part of me wishes we could have talked when he was sober, but I know he was being honest with me, drunk or not, and I probably got more truth out of him last night than I would have when he was sober. I realize I actually tend to prefer drunk Kelby better than sober Kelby, because he tends to close himself off when he's sober. I also realize that he's pretty down on himself and sees himsefl as a failure, and thinks he isn't doing enough, or well enough, even though he is, which is probably a big part of why he didn't call. He didn't know how to deal with it.
He stayed the night at their house too, and this morning, I couldn't tell if things were weird between us or he was just super hungover. I'm trying not to care. We agreed we were good last night and I'm just going to have to believe that and we proved Friday night we are capable of acting like friends, at least.
I'm glad I got to speak my mind to him. And be honest. and not pussy out and let him off the hook with one "I'm sorry." I feel relief at finally hearing his side. But sadness too, that it had to end up this way, full of drama and drunkeness and crying.It all could have been avoided so easily.
Next weekend will be better.
I had an amazing Friday night, a little drinking, but not too much, lots of fun, laughs, craziness and friends. Kelby was there, but it wasn't a big deal; mostly like nothing had ever happened between us. Which I prefer, to being ignored, or having him walk on eggshells around me.
Saturday morning I did the farmer's market with Rachel and her sister Debbie, who flew in for the weekend, watched the homecoming parade and then got my hair done. (SO cute, more blonde and bangs!) then walked to their house to tailgate the game. Downed about 4 shots, and then had two more at the game. Drunk flirted with a friend the whole time and had a blast. Left at halftime, went home for a nap around 5 and then (hungover) drove back over to the house. Started drinking again around 8:30, Kelby was around, but we left to go to a party and he stayed behind. Party was lame, hit up about 3 different lame places befor just heading back to the house. Ian was having people over playing beer pong at our apartment, which I hate being around there for, so even though I wasn't drunk (only had one bottle of arbor mist) I was staying at Rachel's house. Even though the party scene was a bust, I'd had a great day and a really good night. Kelby was still there and had been drinking straight since noon and was absolutely trashed. He started hitting on Patti's friend Sam (who's engaged and getting married next month, but she was trashed too) and putting his arm around her and grabbing her hand, doing exactly what he did with me when he was drunk before. I couldn't handle it, but I had no where else to go. He then starts whispering to Patti, and she comes over and tells me he said to her "I'm sorry I broke Kristin's heart." I tell her he should tell me that to my face, start crying, because I'm just SO tired of it all and can't be strong anymore, and run downstairs. Which is VERY unlike me. Save the crying for the bathroom, then come out as if everythings fine, is my motto. Rachel calms me down, I go back upstairs and Katy takes Kelby and Sam to Winco, and Patti tells me he wants to talk to me when he gets back.
For awhile after he gets back we just ignore each other and I try to not look at him. Then, he comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and tried to feed me a white chocolate covered pretzel. I immediately pulled his arm off me, and told him "Please don't." And try not to start crying again. A few minutes later he comes back, puts his arm around me again and asks if I have a minute and leads me outside.
Then we have the "talk." First he starts hugging me and saying he's sorry and I keep pulling away, but he keeps pulling me back, I don't hug him back but keep my arms crossed. There's no way he's getting off the hook. He asks me what I remember from last weekend, which isn't much and he tells me I forgot the most important part, but refuses to tell me what it is, and keeps trying to feed me more preztels and avoid the subject. FInally I just snap at him "Kelby, I'm sick of not knowing, be straight with me and tell me. I don't remember and it's freaking me out." He says we agreed to just be friends and not hook up anymore. Which I kinda figured that was what was said. Part of me wonders if there's more he didn't tell me though. We talk awhile longer about how he should have called and shouldn't have ignored me and just told me when he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship or hook up anymore and I told him "I can handle rejection. It's fine if you don't want to be with me, I just needed to know so I could move on." He explains how he's barely getting by with school and the Air Force and ASUI senate and everything and he can't handle a relationship and he's sorry for not telling me before. He says he realized it wasn't gonig anywhere with us, even though it's fun to have someone to kiss when you're drunk, and he wishes he were in a place in his life to be with someone, but he's not. He also said he's been with enough confused girls, and that maybe he was getting a taste of his own medicine, being the "confused boy" this time.
More was said, but that was most of the important stuff. A big part of me wishes we could have talked when he was sober, but I know he was being honest with me, drunk or not, and I probably got more truth out of him last night than I would have when he was sober. I realize I actually tend to prefer drunk Kelby better than sober Kelby, because he tends to close himself off when he's sober. I also realize that he's pretty down on himself and sees himsefl as a failure, and thinks he isn't doing enough, or well enough, even though he is, which is probably a big part of why he didn't call. He didn't know how to deal with it.
He stayed the night at their house too, and this morning, I couldn't tell if things were weird between us or he was just super hungover. I'm trying not to care. We agreed we were good last night and I'm just going to have to believe that and we proved Friday night we are capable of acting like friends, at least.
I'm glad I got to speak my mind to him. And be honest. and not pussy out and let him off the hook with one "I'm sorry." I feel relief at finally hearing his side. But sadness too, that it had to end up this way, full of drama and drunkeness and crying.It all could have been avoided so easily.
Next weekend will be better.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Done, Done, Done
He isn't worth my time. Someone who can't find five minutes to return a phone call, or a text and say "Hey, we're cool." or to help me fill in the parts of the night I don't remember (which is freakin me out) is not someone I want to like. He should be a man and DEAL with me, and not ignore me. I just shouldn't like him.
So I'm working on stopping.
On a lighter, happier note, I started my new job today and I LOVE it. It's hard work, and exhausting, especially since I'm learning the routine. We have about 10 kids for the first few hours of my shift, and once school gets out, around 4-5 more join us. I have baby spit all over my shirt and my arms hurt from carrying around so many kids (one of my main jobs is to keep the little ones occupied while Debbie does chores and takes care of the older kids, so I end up carring around babies a lot) but it's worth it. I crashed for about an hour and a half on my couch when I got home and I should be writing a paper right now (after I woke up, I went to Wal-Mart with Sam, then saw Cate for about a half hour...oops) but I have until noon tomorrow to finish it, so I figure I'll just get up around 8-9 and spit out 3-4 pages.
Midterms are crazy this week, but I'm stoked for the weekend. I dont work, don't have a lot of stuff due next week, there's a football game, and hopefully I'll just have a ton of fun. No drama, just FUN.
So I'm working on stopping.
On a lighter, happier note, I started my new job today and I LOVE it. It's hard work, and exhausting, especially since I'm learning the routine. We have about 10 kids for the first few hours of my shift, and once school gets out, around 4-5 more join us. I have baby spit all over my shirt and my arms hurt from carrying around so many kids (one of my main jobs is to keep the little ones occupied while Debbie does chores and takes care of the older kids, so I end up carring around babies a lot) but it's worth it. I crashed for about an hour and a half on my couch when I got home and I should be writing a paper right now (after I woke up, I went to Wal-Mart with Sam, then saw Cate for about a half hour...oops) but I have until noon tomorrow to finish it, so I figure I'll just get up around 8-9 and spit out 3-4 pages.
Midterms are crazy this week, but I'm stoked for the weekend. I dont work, don't have a lot of stuff due next week, there's a football game, and hopefully I'll just have a ton of fun. No drama, just FUN.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Let me start off by saying, last night was amazing, horrible, enlightening, fun, riduculous and embarressing, all at the same time.
Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.
Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop
Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it
Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.
I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.
Funk Party: 70's attire/music and amazingness at my friends' house. My friends have the best ideas.
Kristin in a super hot outfit: Made Kelby's jaw drop
Kristin + 5 shots: Dancing, having a great time, lovin it
Kristin + 9 shots: Talking to Kelby (he's completely sober) and end up asking why he stopped calling. Was he not interested anymore? Response: I'm interested, but I don't want a relationship. He did apoligize for not returning my phone calls. I don't remember the whole conversation, I know I was hugging the wall so I wouldn't fall over, and ended up holding on to him and the room was spinning like mad. I kept putting my arm around him, like it belonged there, but it obviously didn't. Kept burying my head in his shoulder. Bless him, he didn't push me away, and kept talking to me. Even offered me a ride home, which I accepted, and thankfully didn't start puking till I was safely in my bathroom. Then I texted him (twice) which was quite an adventure on the floor of my room. Checked them this morning, and nothing was misspelled though. First: "I'm sorry about tonight. I really wanted to clear things up when I was sober guess I was just too scared." Second: "Can we talk sometime when I'll remember everything?" I think I'll see if he calls before Sunday night, and if he doesn't (he left for Boise today) I'll call him Sunday night. Say I'm sorry for Friday night, tell him I understand why he stopped calling and I wished he'd told me why to me instead of just ignoring me, but that we can definitely be friends, if he wants to.
I don't know if I've ever been that drunk before.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I'm up to my ankles and drowning anyways.
Last night was just a little too much to handle. Starts off at Katy and Rachel and Patti and Sami's house, and Sam shows up and we start drinking a little. And it's just weird bewteen him and I. Usually we do pretty good, but there were some awkward moments and I just didn't want to deal with it. Then we head over to our friend's house on King st to party it up and Kelby shows up. mmm yay, both Sam and Kelby in one place. but Kelby doesn't show any interest all night, VERY platonic, didn't say goodbye, no hug. So I'm feeling pretty down and pissy and I'm PMSing and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get really drunk, even though I want to. Then my friend Cody, who I LOVE, and had thought maybe he liked me, but I have no feelings whatsoever for him, led me into his room, and said "I like you." I was speechless. I'm not really sure exactly what I stammered out, something along the lines of I don't know you extremely well, I LOVE hanging out with you, but I don't like you. Gave him a hug, and tried to pretend it didn't happen the rest of the night, so he didn't feel weird. Then we head back to Patti's house to sleep, and Kelby shows up and stays the night there too. Again, doesn't talk to me much, sleeps on the other couch, and I remember him getting up and going home about 4 am, and he said goodnight to me.
Half of me wants to call him and tell him I need to talk to him and just ASK what happened and why he lost interest, just so I know and don't feel so lost, so used and I can move on. Half of me is terrified of being vulnerable like that in front of him and I want him to think I'm just fine and don't care at all he just forgot about me.
I'm not cut out for this.
Half of me wants to call him and tell him I need to talk to him and just ASK what happened and why he lost interest, just so I know and don't feel so lost, so used and I can move on. Half of me is terrified of being vulnerable like that in front of him and I want him to think I'm just fine and don't care at all he just forgot about me.
I'm not cut out for this.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Burnt
I don't know what it is about today, but I feel like the world is crashing down. I couldn't pay attention in class, I feel absolutely slammed with school work, with Safeway (thank god that's almost over) and the only thing that keeps me going is my friends and recently, getting involved with Psi Chi (National Honors Psychology Society), which keeps me motivated to be involved with the community, and it's a TON of fun, with a lot of great/fun/excited people. Unlike NSCS (National Society of Collegiate Scholars) which I'm one of the officers of. We haven't done jack shit this year, even though Ive tried to get things going, and it doesn't look like we're ever going to do anything, seeing how only TWO members show up to our last general meeting, and only half of our officers were there.
School is just....I LOVE my classes. They're hard, they challenge me, they're interesting, but they keep me BUSY.and I'm only taking 13 credits (4 classes). Next semester I need to take at least 15 credits to stay on course to graduate on time, which will be 5-6 classes. Probably 3 Psych classes, an honors science course and a computer science course. those 5 classes add up to 14 credits. So I'll probably add some random 1 credit course.
I ran into Kelby today at lunch and he didn't say anything to me, nor I to him. The last time things seemed "good" with him, was the Friday of Night for Darfur, which was almost two weeks ago. It's like nothing ever happened between us. At least if he rejected me, told me it was over, I could deal, move on. But until that happens, I have this small tiny hope it's NOT over.
I've been trying to think about this other hot guy I know as much as possible, just to not think about Kelby. I don't expect anything to happen with this guy (Aaron) but I just need a distraction. He is beautiful though, as my friends Kelsey said, like an Abercrombie and Fitch model beautiful. He's also my drunk scrabble partner. We always lose....
Anyways, I'm sure things will get better, especially once I move on from stupid boy. and this weekend I get to see my mom, so I'll get a little pampering.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I <3 Kids
So last week at work I asked to go home early, because I had a fever and felt like I was going to pass out. I have not missed a day of work since April. I have called in sick a couple times, but when they said I needed to be there, I showed up. But I could not stay this last Sunday. So finally my boss said I could go home, but he called me up into his office and told me if I ever called in sick again, he would not schedule me anymore. AKA I would not have a job. Because he felt, even though I was a great worker, and he liked me, he could not rely on me. I was unreliable. Because I'd been sick 2 out of the last 4 weeks. EVEN though I'd been showing up to work while I was sick. I am unreliable.
BULLSHIT. I actually started leaking some tears, which DID cause him to feel a little bad and he apoligized for "hurting my feelings" the next day.
This is the same guy who has been sheduling people who are going to school full time 25-35 hours a week when they don't want to work that much. Because he doesn't want to hire more people. And he now has a "no one can ever call in sick again ever" policy. Which is ridiculous.
So I asked my friend Rachel if she knew of any other places that were hiring, because even though I like my job at Safeway, I don't like it THAT much. And today I was hired at a daycare to work no more than 16 hours a week, granted for less money than I earned at Safeway, but I don't ever have to work weekends, or nights. (Nights are pretty much the only shifts avilable at Safeway, that and Sundays) And it's fun. I get to hang out with mostly 3-4 year olds, and few babies, help out with lunch, naptime, activities. And the woman who runs it is great.
Pretty much made my day. :) So I just wanted to share.
What's weird is Sam told me, when I first told him I was thinking about taking this job last week, he said, flat out "I think you'd hate that job, I don't think you should do it." When asked why I would hate it, because I think I'll love it, he just said "I just think you'll get tired of it really fast and it's not the kind of thing you like." Weird huh? I love kids. And today when we hung out (which was good, no drama, we had a lot of fun, unlike last Friday we hung out....he cried on my couch for an hour, which of course made me start crying...blah) he said "I was surprised you stuck it out at Safeway as long as you did. I didn't think you'd make it." Which is also a weird statement, because I never hated my job there, for the most part I liked/like working there. Part of quitting now is just that I have a better option, that I never had before. And I think it's time for a change. Change can be good.
BULLSHIT. I actually started leaking some tears, which DID cause him to feel a little bad and he apoligized for "hurting my feelings" the next day.
This is the same guy who has been sheduling people who are going to school full time 25-35 hours a week when they don't want to work that much. Because he doesn't want to hire more people. And he now has a "no one can ever call in sick again ever" policy. Which is ridiculous.
So I asked my friend Rachel if she knew of any other places that were hiring, because even though I like my job at Safeway, I don't like it THAT much. And today I was hired at a daycare to work no more than 16 hours a week, granted for less money than I earned at Safeway, but I don't ever have to work weekends, or nights. (Nights are pretty much the only shifts avilable at Safeway, that and Sundays) And it's fun. I get to hang out with mostly 3-4 year olds, and few babies, help out with lunch, naptime, activities. And the woman who runs it is great.
Pretty much made my day. :) So I just wanted to share.
What's weird is Sam told me, when I first told him I was thinking about taking this job last week, he said, flat out "I think you'd hate that job, I don't think you should do it." When asked why I would hate it, because I think I'll love it, he just said "I just think you'll get tired of it really fast and it's not the kind of thing you like." Weird huh? I love kids. And today when we hung out (which was good, no drama, we had a lot of fun, unlike last Friday we hung out....he cried on my couch for an hour, which of course made me start crying...blah) he said "I was surprised you stuck it out at Safeway as long as you did. I didn't think you'd make it." Which is also a weird statement, because I never hated my job there, for the most part I liked/like working there. Part of quitting now is just that I have a better option, that I never had before. And I think it's time for a change. Change can be good.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Attached
Oh yes, I've definitely become attached to Kelby. Pretty sure he's interested. Pretty sure he also has NO time whatsoever for a girlfriend or anythingclose to a girlfriend. Of course, I admire all his committments and the fact he's SO involved, and he's passionate about helping others and doing well in school and that he wants to be a doctor. But all these things I admire keep me from seeing him. Woe is me. Haha.
Meh, I'll live, and make do with what I can get. At least he's a good guy. And I don't need a relationship. So I guess it works out pretty well. But I DO miss kissing him....
Meh, I'll live, and make do with what I can get. At least he's a good guy. And I don't need a relationship. So I guess it works out pretty well. But I DO miss kissing him....
Friday, August 24, 2007
Freedom Rings
Today I found out he asked Patti to "inform" him if I ever hooked up with anyone else, because "you want to know who your girlfriend is rebounding with." Thankfully Patti told him she wouldn't pick between him and I and she wouldn't betray her friendship with me by tattling on me to him. What would I do without her? He also told her he wanted to win me back. AND said he wanted to recruit the guy I DID make out with (he hasn't found out yet) on Monday, to his fraternity. One, I don't think Kelby's interested in fraternity life, and two, that would just be plain awkward. Not that we're dating, or anything, but I'm definitely interested in him.
I know I want to be single for awhile. I am LOVING it. I love having the freedom to randomly hook up, go on dates (yes that's right, I went out to lunch with a guy I'm not in a relationship with. WEIRD. I mean I know I go out to lunch with guys all the time, but that's just as friends, not because we're interested in each other). It's fun to date, without being a girlfriend right away.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just be able to concentrate on my friends all the time, and have fun going out and doing whatever I want, and not having to update someone with my schedule every day.
I know I want to be single for awhile. I am LOVING it. I love having the freedom to randomly hook up, go on dates (yes that's right, I went out to lunch with a guy I'm not in a relationship with. WEIRD. I mean I know I go out to lunch with guys all the time, but that's just as friends, not because we're interested in each other). It's fun to date, without being a girlfriend right away.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just be able to concentrate on my friends all the time, and have fun going out and doing whatever I want, and not having to update someone with my schedule every day.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Can you turn my black roses red?
It's done. Over. Two years of my life. I'm crying, but not in desperation, as before. For the loss of something that used to mean so much to me, for the loss of love, passion, and wonderful aching of something powerful.
I do not doubt I will fall in love again. Or that he will. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone for the rest of my life. As a child of divorce, that question always lurks. Will I be able to stick by someone for forever? I hope so.
I also feel like someone new. Someone with so many possibilities suddenly open to her.
I promised I'd give him a few days alone. He said he did not love me anymore either, but was, as I had been, trying to fall back in love, to hold on to his best friend, to his love of the past two years. I hope he was telling the truth and not saying it to just make me feel better.
I've made too many guys cry, I do believe.
I do not doubt I will fall in love again. Or that he will. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone for the rest of my life. As a child of divorce, that question always lurks. Will I be able to stick by someone for forever? I hope so.
I also feel like someone new. Someone with so many possibilities suddenly open to her.
I promised I'd give him a few days alone. He said he did not love me anymore either, but was, as I had been, trying to fall back in love, to hold on to his best friend, to his love of the past two years. I hope he was telling the truth and not saying it to just make me feel better.
I've made too many guys cry, I do believe.
Strength
I fell in love. Probably more accurate is lust. But I don't care, I'm obsessed. Seriously. I met an Irish guy who grew up in Scotland, and has the most delicious accent. And my god, is he BEAUTIFUL.
And I sat next to him, on a tiny airplane for an hour from Seattle to Lewiston. After I'd been travelling for 34 hours and looked/smelled/felt like absolute grossness.
We talked the entire time, and yet I chickened out of asking him for his number. I did promise to show him around Moscow, and hang out with him, but that's a little hard to do if I can't FIND HIM.
He's going to LSCS for the next four years on a golf (I know, golf is lame, and boring, but hey, you know, whatever floats his boat) scholarship. He's 19, but its his first year of school.
Anyways, once the golf page at LSCS updates its roster, I can find out his last name and HOPE he has facebook or MySpace. If not....well...I guess I'm fucked. I told you, I'm obsessed.
Oh, and his name is James.
On to the other guy in my life, I need to end it. Completely. Do I have the willpower to do this? I don't think so. I'm not in love, I'm not in love, I'm not in love. But how do you tell someone that? After leading him on for the last month and a half, saying "we'll get back together, we will."
If I give myself a deadline to do it, I'll chicken out and then feel horrible about not doing it. I'll come up with excuses not to. I keep saying, MAYBE i'll feel diferently, MAYBE. Maybe ending it isn't right.
I'm a liar. I lie to myself.
And I sat next to him, on a tiny airplane for an hour from Seattle to Lewiston. After I'd been travelling for 34 hours and looked/smelled/felt like absolute grossness.
We talked the entire time, and yet I chickened out of asking him for his number. I did promise to show him around Moscow, and hang out with him, but that's a little hard to do if I can't FIND HIM.
He's going to LSCS for the next four years on a golf (I know, golf is lame, and boring, but hey, you know, whatever floats his boat) scholarship. He's 19, but its his first year of school.
Anyways, once the golf page at LSCS updates its roster, I can find out his last name and HOPE he has facebook or MySpace. If not....well...I guess I'm fucked. I told you, I'm obsessed.
Oh, and his name is James.
On to the other guy in my life, I need to end it. Completely. Do I have the willpower to do this? I don't think so. I'm not in love, I'm not in love, I'm not in love. But how do you tell someone that? After leading him on for the last month and a half, saying "we'll get back together, we will."
If I give myself a deadline to do it, I'll chicken out and then feel horrible about not doing it. I'll come up with excuses not to. I keep saying, MAYBE i'll feel diferently, MAYBE. Maybe ending it isn't right.
I'm a liar. I lie to myself.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Working
So. Here I go again into my drama.
Friday night: drunk, said a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to say and needed to say, but ended up breaking up with Sam
Saturday morning: Hungover-ish and crying, feeling horrible about hurting him
Saturday afternoon/evening: Missing Sam like crazy, feeling I made a mistake, maybe breaking up isn't what I wanted to do, and yet all the things I said were/are still true
Sunday: I realize I can compromise. I was NOT ready to break up completely, otherwise, I would have done so when sober. However, there are problems that need to be worked on and I do need some time to myself. Still would like to date other people in my life before getting married, but there's no one but Sam right now. Still love him, and being apart and working on things, while still being friends and talking will hopefully strengthen us as individuals and our relationship. When/if it is right, we will move back into a romantic relationship. Till then, as he put it, we'll be "exclusive friends." Not seeing anyone else, not dating, but working on being friends and who we are, seperate and together.
This sounds RIGHT. Breaking up did not. Staying together did not.
Sometimes you have to let something go to appreciate how much it really is worth. I'm not saying this will fix everything, but it's a start. It's DOING something about the problems, not ignoring them, not pushing them away. I think I need to work on feeling more confident when it comes to being intimate. I need to work on letting him in, instead of pushing him away. And he needs to work on letting me be independent, and my own person, not someone he can be attached at the hip to.
Friday night: drunk, said a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to say and needed to say, but ended up breaking up with Sam
Saturday morning: Hungover-ish and crying, feeling horrible about hurting him
Saturday afternoon/evening: Missing Sam like crazy, feeling I made a mistake, maybe breaking up isn't what I wanted to do, and yet all the things I said were/are still true
Sunday: I realize I can compromise. I was NOT ready to break up completely, otherwise, I would have done so when sober. However, there are problems that need to be worked on and I do need some time to myself. Still would like to date other people in my life before getting married, but there's no one but Sam right now. Still love him, and being apart and working on things, while still being friends and talking will hopefully strengthen us as individuals and our relationship. When/if it is right, we will move back into a romantic relationship. Till then, as he put it, we'll be "exclusive friends." Not seeing anyone else, not dating, but working on being friends and who we are, seperate and together.
This sounds RIGHT. Breaking up did not. Staying together did not.
Sometimes you have to let something go to appreciate how much it really is worth. I'm not saying this will fix everything, but it's a start. It's DOING something about the problems, not ignoring them, not pushing them away. I think I need to work on feeling more confident when it comes to being intimate. I need to work on letting him in, instead of pushing him away. And he needs to work on letting me be independent, and my own person, not someone he can be attached at the hip to.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Torn
It's not really real yet, but last night I broke up with Sam. We had a wonderful day, hanging out, laughing. He went to work, and I went to dinner and a party with all of our friends who came in from out of town this weekend. He met me there later. We didn't talk much at the party, but we both had a lot of fun and I got drunk for the first time in awhile. And then we decided to walk home together. He asked if he could stay over, I said no, I wanted to be alone. Which of course he didnt understand so he started asknig questions, like why I wanted to be alone, why I felt like we were going to break up sometime, why I felt like I wasn't done dating yet, why I wasn't always happy with us. And I start crying and periodically we'd stop and hug and I'd cry and say I didn't want to hurt him, but this was the truth. I want to be single again sometime, I want to date other people, and I love him, but I'm not always happy, and maybe loving him isn't enough. We walk the whole way still holding hands and he's trying to comfort me. ME. when I'm telling him I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore.
So we make it home to my apartment and he asks to cvome up and talk and make sure I don't fall asleep crying. So we lay down on my bed, cuddling, talking, me crying. And the conversation keeps progressing until he says "Why do I feel like we're breaking up?"
I never said the words "I'm breaking up with you." But I did say I needed to be alone. I needed time to myself. I love him and I can't imagine hurting him but I'm not happy. I want him to be a part of my life, I want to still see him, talk to him, but I'm no thappy. And you know what he tells me through HIS tears? That I need to take care of myself and not worry about him.
But I can't help but worry about him. I'm his world, he told me. He said he couldn't imagine me being with anyone else. Right now, neither can I. I'm not breaking it off, or taking a break or whatever to date someone else, there's no one in mind. But eventually, yes, I do want to date SOMEONE else. who knows when. who knows WHO.
Finally, he gets up to leave, we hug and he walks out the door and I just curl up on my bed, sobbing so hard. Thankfully Ian walks in soon after Sam walks out and hugs me till I stop.
I still cant stop crying today, at leats not for very long. I can't imagine not seeing him today, not hugging him, hanging out. Talking. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn't happy in our relationship, but it's like, all I can remember i sthe good stuff, and it's not helping. I can't help but feel like I made the wrong decision, and yet everything I said last night was true. WHy does it feel so bad? Why do I still love him if I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore? I just dont want to feel so bad. I want to believe that maybe all I need is a break and I'll want to get back together, but I can't tell him that because if it's not true, it'd give him false hope. and I can't do that.
I haven't been single in so long. I don't feel like I am. I feel like we're in a fight and we'll make up later.
I'm headed up to my mom's house tonight, to hide away, and be taken care of. She made me feel so much better this morning when I talked to her, that I think spending the weekend up there will be the best thing. Otherwise I'll just sit around here crying. I'm going to make sure our friends take care of him tonight and look out for him. I promised I'd call him later today, a call I'm terrified of and looking forward to at the same time. I just hope I have the strnegth to not get back together. I'd be so easy to say " I was drunk, I didn't mean it, I want to be with you." But I think we'd be happy for awhile and then I'd go back to wanting out.
I just have to keep reminding myself I did the right thing, no matter how horrible it feels. I couldn't keep pretending, I need to be independent, I need space, I need to find out who I am without him, and hopefully, one day, when the hurt isn't so bad, we'll be able to hang out and I'll have my best friend back. Hopefully.
So we make it home to my apartment and he asks to cvome up and talk and make sure I don't fall asleep crying. So we lay down on my bed, cuddling, talking, me crying. And the conversation keeps progressing until he says "Why do I feel like we're breaking up?"
I never said the words "I'm breaking up with you." But I did say I needed to be alone. I needed time to myself. I love him and I can't imagine hurting him but I'm not happy. I want him to be a part of my life, I want to still see him, talk to him, but I'm no thappy. And you know what he tells me through HIS tears? That I need to take care of myself and not worry about him.
But I can't help but worry about him. I'm his world, he told me. He said he couldn't imagine me being with anyone else. Right now, neither can I. I'm not breaking it off, or taking a break or whatever to date someone else, there's no one in mind. But eventually, yes, I do want to date SOMEONE else. who knows when. who knows WHO.
Finally, he gets up to leave, we hug and he walks out the door and I just curl up on my bed, sobbing so hard. Thankfully Ian walks in soon after Sam walks out and hugs me till I stop.
I still cant stop crying today, at leats not for very long. I can't imagine not seeing him today, not hugging him, hanging out. Talking. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn't happy in our relationship, but it's like, all I can remember i sthe good stuff, and it's not helping. I can't help but feel like I made the wrong decision, and yet everything I said last night was true. WHy does it feel so bad? Why do I still love him if I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore? I just dont want to feel so bad. I want to believe that maybe all I need is a break and I'll want to get back together, but I can't tell him that because if it's not true, it'd give him false hope. and I can't do that.
I haven't been single in so long. I don't feel like I am. I feel like we're in a fight and we'll make up later.
I'm headed up to my mom's house tonight, to hide away, and be taken care of. She made me feel so much better this morning when I talked to her, that I think spending the weekend up there will be the best thing. Otherwise I'll just sit around here crying. I'm going to make sure our friends take care of him tonight and look out for him. I promised I'd call him later today, a call I'm terrified of and looking forward to at the same time. I just hope I have the strnegth to not get back together. I'd be so easy to say " I was drunk, I didn't mean it, I want to be with you." But I think we'd be happy for awhile and then I'd go back to wanting out.
I just have to keep reminding myself I did the right thing, no matter how horrible it feels. I couldn't keep pretending, I need to be independent, I need space, I need to find out who I am without him, and hopefully, one day, when the hurt isn't so bad, we'll be able to hang out and I'll have my best friend back. Hopefully.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Update
STD free! At least as far as I know. I'm so glad to have that over.
So, my dad and stepmom have been in town for the last two weeks and it has been crazy busy and fun. I love them being here. I love that they take care of me, and yet still treat me like an adult. It's such a good feeling.
I'm excited about my brother's wedding next week. Elsbeth and I have been getting along really well lately, so there's hope for us yet. And he is so obviously happy, how can I not be happy for him?
frustrated with Sam right now. He didn't think to ask his professors if he could take off to the wedding with me next week (it's finals week for summer school) and still has yet to as khis stats professor. he's known about this for 6 months. seriously.
mreh not too into writing right now. want to go DO.
So, my dad and stepmom have been in town for the last two weeks and it has been crazy busy and fun. I love them being here. I love that they take care of me, and yet still treat me like an adult. It's such a good feeling.
I'm excited about my brother's wedding next week. Elsbeth and I have been getting along really well lately, so there's hope for us yet. And he is so obviously happy, how can I not be happy for him?
frustrated with Sam right now. He didn't think to ask his professors if he could take off to the wedding with me next week (it's finals week for summer school) and still has yet to as khis stats professor. he's known about this for 6 months. seriously.
mreh not too into writing right now. want to go DO.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Weird
Did you know there was such a thing as genital acne?
Sorry these have all been about lovely girl parts. Just a long day, scary day. Trying to calm myself down by finding alternatives, until I know for sure what it is.
Sorry these have all been about lovely girl parts. Just a long day, scary day. Trying to calm myself down by finding alternatives, until I know for sure what it is.
Scared
Feeling a little calmer. Will make doctor's appointment tomorrow. Still scared. It COULD be something else. But probably not. Herpes or warts. I know it's not the end of thw world. Or my sex life. But having to disclaim that before ever having sex with someone? And you can still pass it on even WITH a condom when you don't have an outbreak. How scary is that?
Don't know how/when to tell him.
Don't know how/when to tell him.
Not me
I am terrified right now. Can't stop crying. Have to go to work in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I have genital warts. Pretty sure he has a wart on his hand. Never had sex. Maybe I never will. Or at least until I get married. Why me?
Pretty sure I have genital warts. Pretty sure he has a wart on his hand. Never had sex. Maybe I never will. Or at least until I get married. Why me?
Monday, May 28, 2007
Again with the lonely. I feel like I keep calling people, and very few either a) call me back b) call me first or c) sound excited to be talking to me. Not to say a few don't, I DO have friends, I won't insult myself or others by saying I don't, but it's just one of those days where I feel like I don't have the kind of group of friends I did in high school. I've called Alexa numerous times and have never been called back and she's someone I desperately want to see and catch up with. I can't help but feel like she doesn't want to see me.
Enough about that, however. Things with Sam are...I don't know. I know I often make things difficult for him, I look for what's wrong and expect him to mess up. I say 'no' to things just to see if he'll repsect my decision, and I'm not the 'fun' girlfriend I used to be. And that's not good. So I've been trying to be better and I think it'll make a big difference in a lot of things. But other things, this just won't fix. It won't change the fact I have no desire to have sex right now in my life, much less with him. And after dating for close to two years, it's something a guy expects. Not that he's been pushing it, but I know he wants to, and I feel bad about witholding. BUT I also know that is not a good reason to have sex, so don't worry, my chastity belt is still in place.
It's frustrating not to feel passionate anymore. Part of me wonders if something physically is wrong with my sex drive (birth control, I know, can affect it) but the other part of me says I would feel passionate about someone else, were I to meet them/fall in love etc etc. We get along great (most of the time), we can have fun, he still brings me flowers every once and awhile, takes me out on dates, compliments me. But we just don't fit quite like we used to.
I don't know.
Enough about that, however. Things with Sam are...I don't know. I know I often make things difficult for him, I look for what's wrong and expect him to mess up. I say 'no' to things just to see if he'll repsect my decision, and I'm not the 'fun' girlfriend I used to be. And that's not good. So I've been trying to be better and I think it'll make a big difference in a lot of things. But other things, this just won't fix. It won't change the fact I have no desire to have sex right now in my life, much less with him. And after dating for close to two years, it's something a guy expects. Not that he's been pushing it, but I know he wants to, and I feel bad about witholding. BUT I also know that is not a good reason to have sex, so don't worry, my chastity belt is still in place.
It's frustrating not to feel passionate anymore. Part of me wonders if something physically is wrong with my sex drive (birth control, I know, can affect it) but the other part of me says I would feel passionate about someone else, were I to meet them/fall in love etc etc. We get along great (most of the time), we can have fun, he still brings me flowers every once and awhile, takes me out on dates, compliments me. But we just don't fit quite like we used to.
I don't know.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
I needed to be heard again
I haven't had a blog for quite awhile and frankly, I've missed it. No one reads livejournal anymore, of if they do, it's the wrong people. Facebook is far too....open. This is for a few eyes only and for my sanity, above all. Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping again and the happiness I once had is clouded, like driving through the fog -- you know there are trees, other people, cities out there, but all you can see are glimpses of other people's headlights, subdued and not quite real.
I miss feeling connected to other people. Sam talks about his fraternity and how close they are and chapter meetings and all the gushy "I love you, man" kind of stuff and I just MISS that. I miss that from insomnia and camp and I miss the ability to be completely open about emotions with a group of people you know will just listen and hug you. There's something about sitting in a circle and talking in a group that's more therapeutic than anything I know, and I don't know how to find that group again. I can't go to camp this year, and the closer it gets, the more I miss it, even though I haven't even missed out on it yet.
I feel like Sam doesn't hear me like he used to. Then again, I don't hear him the same way either. There are days I can't stand his touch, and others we can't stop laughing and smiling around each other. There are days I want to be free again. To fall in love again. To kiss someone else. To be single at a party. There are days I am terrified to not be a part of his life, to not be able to call him when I need help, to not have a hug everyday, to never see his family again. "Sometimes has become my home." When will sometimes become always? Will it ever? When will the pain outwiegh the happiness? When will I, or he be able to let go?
I've been thinking about Nate again. It's not good, it's not okay, it's all too familiar, and I am retracing my steps back to 9th grade and uncertainty and wanting and waiting and not knowing where I stand. I found out last night he came to town in March and he didn't call me and it was like a knife through the heart. I was always the second person he called when he came into town. Virgil then me. Always. Did the last time I see him change things? Did he realize he no longer has feelings for me? has he not had feelings for me for years? am I no longer a good friend? and I no longer attractive to him? Is it because of Sam?
Should I even be asking these questions again?
I feel like I can never be at peace until I KNOW. I want, I need to know what it would have been like, what it could be like to be with him. Maybe it wouldn't ve everything I'd dreamed it be to these last 5 years but I feel like after all this, I deserve to know. But the timing is never right, and may never be right. I may have lost my chance. I just don't know how to move on.
I'd forgotten him. When Sam and I first start dating and I was in love. I thought I was done.
Tonight is a bad night. There are good ones. Promise.
I miss feeling connected to other people. Sam talks about his fraternity and how close they are and chapter meetings and all the gushy "I love you, man" kind of stuff and I just MISS that. I miss that from insomnia and camp and I miss the ability to be completely open about emotions with a group of people you know will just listen and hug you. There's something about sitting in a circle and talking in a group that's more therapeutic than anything I know, and I don't know how to find that group again. I can't go to camp this year, and the closer it gets, the more I miss it, even though I haven't even missed out on it yet.
I feel like Sam doesn't hear me like he used to. Then again, I don't hear him the same way either. There are days I can't stand his touch, and others we can't stop laughing and smiling around each other. There are days I want to be free again. To fall in love again. To kiss someone else. To be single at a party. There are days I am terrified to not be a part of his life, to not be able to call him when I need help, to not have a hug everyday, to never see his family again. "Sometimes has become my home." When will sometimes become always? Will it ever? When will the pain outwiegh the happiness? When will I, or he be able to let go?
I've been thinking about Nate again. It's not good, it's not okay, it's all too familiar, and I am retracing my steps back to 9th grade and uncertainty and wanting and waiting and not knowing where I stand. I found out last night he came to town in March and he didn't call me and it was like a knife through the heart. I was always the second person he called when he came into town. Virgil then me. Always. Did the last time I see him change things? Did he realize he no longer has feelings for me? has he not had feelings for me for years? am I no longer a good friend? and I no longer attractive to him? Is it because of Sam?
Should I even be asking these questions again?
I feel like I can never be at peace until I KNOW. I want, I need to know what it would have been like, what it could be like to be with him. Maybe it wouldn't ve everything I'd dreamed it be to these last 5 years but I feel like after all this, I deserve to know. But the timing is never right, and may never be right. I may have lost my chance. I just don't know how to move on.
I'd forgotten him. When Sam and I first start dating and I was in love. I thought I was done.
Tonight is a bad night. There are good ones. Promise.
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